309and therefore free to love the other. Where there is control, or
perception of control, there is not love. Love only exists where
there is freedom.
The Triangle of Boundaries
Three realities have existed since the beginning of time:- Freedom
- Responsibility
- Love
God created us free. He gave us responsibility for our free-
dom. And as responsible free agents, we are told to love him and
each other. This emphasis runs throughout the whole Bible.
When we do these three things—live free, take responsibility
for our own freedom, and love God and each other—then life,
including marriage, can be an Eden experience.
Something incredible happens as these three ingredients of
relationship work together. As love grows, spouses become more
free from the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful pat-
terns, past hurts, and other self-imposed limitations. Then, they
gain a greater and greater sense of self-control and responsibility.
As they act more responsibly, they become more loving. And then
the cycle begins all over again. As love grows, so does freedom,
leading to more responsibility, and to more love.
This is why a couple who has been married for fifty or more
years can say that the marriage gets better and better as time
goes on. They become more free to be themselves as a result of
being loved, and the love relationship deepens.
One woman said it this way: “Before I married Tom, I was so
caught up in my own insecurities and fears to really even know
who I was. I have been so blessed by the way he loved me.
When I was afraid or irresponsible in the early years, he was
patient, not reactive. He was strong enough to love me and
require more of me at the same time. He did not let me get
away with being like I was, but he never punished me for how I
was, either. I had to begin to take responsibility for working
What’s a Boundary, Anyway?