319other couples have revealed. She was suffering, however, from
the emotional distance that being on the wrong end of a one-
sided relationship creates. In some ways her story is more
revealing of the need for good boundaries in a marriage. She
was unhappy in the face of no overt problems. This can some-
times be the worst kind of misery.
Her story has a good ending. And it incorporates all the prin-
ciples we have looked at in this chapter.
Stephanie first figured out where she ended and where Steve
began. When she did, she found that there was really very little of
her at all in the marriage. She had adapted to him and had com-
plied with his wishes so much that she barely existed at all. She
could no longer even remember what it felt like to be herself. Her
desires for school and some meaningful work of her own were long
forgotten as he pressured her to continue to go on as they were.
And she had given in over and over until she lost herself.
When she thought about what was hers and what was his, she
realized that she could not blame him for her loss of herself. She
was the one who had complied with his wishes. She was the one
who was afraid of conflict and so chose to adapt to what he
wanted. She had to take ownership of her passivity.
At this point in her journey Stephanie made a mature deci-
sion. She took responsibility for her own misery and began to
work on it in the relationship.Instead of doing what many com-
pliant people do when they wake up and find themselves lost,
she didn’t leave the relationship “to find herself.” Many times a
marriage will break up as the passive spouse decides she wants
to have “a life of her own.” And she leaves. Sometimes she may
even call this move “getting some boundaries.” Nothing could
be further from the truth.
Boundaries are only built and established in the context of
relationship. To run from a relationship as the first step of
boundaries is not to have boundaries at all. It is a defense against
developing boundaries with another person. The only place
boundaries are real is within relationship.
What’s a Boundary, Anyway?