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ways. Probably the easiest distortions to notice are in personal
relationships. We rarely see people as they really are; our per-
ceptions are distorted by past relationships and our own pre-
conceptions of who we think they are, even the people we know
best. We do not see clearly because of the “logs” in our eyes
(Matt. 7:3–5).
Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires
being active in checking out where we may be wrong. As we
assimilate new information, our thinking adapts and grows
closer to reality.
Also we need to make sure that we are communicating our
thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able
to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frus-
tration. Even Paul says, “For who among men knows the thoughts
of a man except the man’s spirit within him?” (1 Cor. 2:11). What
a great statement about boundaries! We have our own thoughts,
and if we want others to know them, we must tell them.
Desires
Our desires lie within our boundaries. Each of us has differ-
ent desires and wants, dreams and wishes, goals and plans,
hungers and thirsts. We all want to satisfy “me.” But why are
there so few satisfied “me’s” around?
Part of the problem lies in the lack of structured boundaries
within our personality. We can’t define who the real “me” is and
what we truly desire. Many desires masquerade as the real thing.
They are lusts that come out of not owning our real desires. For
example, many sex addicts are looking for sexual experiences,
but what they really desire is love and affection.
James writes about this problem of not owning and seeking
our real desires with pure motives: “You want something but
don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you
want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do
not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask
with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your
pleasures” (James 4:2–3).
Boundaries