473. Boundary Problems
F
ollowing a day-long seminar that we were leading on bibli-
cal boundaries, a woman raised her hand and said, “I under-
stand that I have boundary problems. But my estranged
husband’s the one who had an affair and took all our money.
Doesn’t he have a problem with boundaries?”
It’s easy to misunderstand boundaries. At first glance, it
seems as if the individual who has difficulty setting limits is the
one who has the boundary problem; however, people who don’t
respect others’ limits also have boundary problems. The woman
above may have difficulty setting limits, but, in addition, her
husband hasn’t respected her limits.
In this chapter, we’ll categorize the main types of boundary
problems, providing you some pegs on which to hang your
thoughts. You’ll see that boundary conflicts are by no means lim-
ited to those who “can’t say no.”Compliants: Saying “Yes” to the Bad
“May I tell you something embarrassing?” Robert asked me.
A new client, Robert was trying to understand why he had so
much difficulty refusing his wife’s constant demands. He was
going broke trying to keep up with the Joneses.
“I was the only boy in my family, the youngest of four chil-
dren. There was a strange double standard in my house involv-
ing physical fighting.” Robert cleared his throat, struggling to
continue. “My sisters were three to seven years older than me.