Boundaries

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Controllers and Nonresponsives

Controlling nonresponsives have a hard time looking past
themselves. They see others as responsible for their struggles and
are on the lookout for someone to take care of them. They grav-
itate toward someone with blurry boundaries, who will naturally
take on too many responsibilities in the relationship and who
won’t complain about it. It’s like the old joke about relationships:
What happens when a rescuing, enabling person meets a con-
trolling, insensitive person? Answer: they get married!
Actually, this makes sense. Compliant avoidants search for
someone to repair. This keeps them saying yes and keeps them
out of touch with their own needs. Who fits the bill better than
a controlling nonresponsive? And controlling nonresponsives
search for someone to keep them away from responsibility. Who
better than a compliant avoidant?
Below is a chart of the four types of boundary problems.^1 It
will help you see at a glance the kinds of problems with which
you may struggle.

Summary of Boundary Problems

CAN’T SAY CAN’T HEAR

NO The Compliant The Controller
Feels guilty and/or Aggressively or
controlled by others; manipulatively violates
can’t set boundaries boundaries of others

YES The Nonresponsive The Avoidant
Sets boundaries against Sets boundaries against
responsibility to love receiving care of others

Functional and Relational Boundary Issues

A final boundary problem involves the distinction between
functional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries
refers to a person’s ability to complete a task, project, or job. It

Boundary Problems