72Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong?
Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters
with others, as well in our own nature and personality. The most
important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first
few years of life. They may happen in any or all of the three
phases of separation-individuation: hatching, practicing, or rap-
prochement. Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury,
the deeper the boundary problem.Withdrawal from Boundaries
“I don’t know why it happens, but it happens,” mused Ingrid
over coffee with her friend Alice. “Every time I disagree with
my mother, even on little things, I feel this terrible sense that
she’s not there anymore. It’s like she’s hurt and withdrawn, and
I can’t get her back. It’s really a horrible feeling to think you’ve
lost someone you love.”
Let’s be honest. None of us enjoys being told no. It’s diffi-
cult to accept another person’s refusal to give support, to be inti-
mate, or to forgive. Yet good relationships are built on the
freedom to refuse and confront: “As iron sharpens iron, so one
man sharpens another” (Prov. 27:17).
Not only good relationships but also mature characters are
built on appropriate nos. Developing children need to know
their boundaries will be honored. It is crucial that their dis-
agreements, their practicing, their experimentation not result in
a withdrawal of love.
Please don’t misunderstand this. Parental limits are crucial.
Children need to know behavioral lines that should not be
crossed. They need to suffer biblical, age-appropriate conse-
quences for acting out. (In fact, when parents do not set and
maintain good boundaries with their children, the children suf-
fer another type of boundary injury, which we will discuss
shortly.) What we’re talking about here isn’t allowing the child
free rein. Parents need to stay attached and connected to their
children even when they disagree with them. That doesn’t mean
they shouldn’t get angry. It means they shouldn’t withdraw.
Boundaries