79to look at how a tree in a forest can be hurt. It can be fed inappro-
priately, through bad ingredients in the soil, or it can be given too
much or too little sun or water. That’s an illustration of character-
pattern problems. Trauma is like lightning hitting the tree.
A trauma can affect boundary development because it
shakes up two necessary foundations to children’s growth:
- The world is reasonably safe.
- They have control over their lives.
Children who undergo trauma feel these foundations shaken
up. They become unsure that they are safe and protected in the
world, and they become frightened that they have no say-so in
any danger that approaches them.
Jerry had been physically abused by both of his parents for
years. He had left home early, joined the Marines, and had sev-
eral bad marriages. In therapy as an adult in his thirties, he
began realizing why, under his tough exterior, he always longed
for controlling women. He’d fall madly in love with the fact that
they could “handle” him. Then a pattern of compliance to the
woman would emerge, with Jerry always on the losing end.
One day in session, Jerry remembered his mother striking
him across the face for some small infraction. He vividly remem-
bered his vain attempts to protect himself, pleading, “Please,
Mom—I’m sorry. I’ll do anything you say. Please, Mom.” When
he promised unquestioning obedience, the hitting would stop.
That memory tied in with his lack of power and self-control with
his wives and girlfriends. Their anger always terrified him, and
he would instantly comply. Jerry’s boundary development was
seriously injured by his mother’s abuse.
The heart of God seems to beat especially close to the vic-
tim of trauma: “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted”
(Isa. 61:1). God desires the wounds of the traumatized to be
bound up by loving people.
Victims of trauma in the family are almost always recipients
of poor or sinful character-relating patterns. Withdrawal from
our boundaries and hostility toward our boundaries are the
ground from which trauma springs.
How Boundaries Are Developed