is useful for you, because now you can decide whether you want to
honour the request.
Second (and possibly even more valuably), it stops you from
thinking that you know how best to help and leaping into action.
That’s the classic Rescuer behaviour. Like “And what else?” this
question is a self-management tool to keep you curious and keep
you lazy. Too much of your day is spent doing things you think
people want you to do. Sometimes you’re completely off base, but
that’s not the worst of it because that gets sorted out relatively
quickly. More dangerous is when you’re only slightly wrong.
That’s when you find yourself kind of doing what they want, but
not enough so it’s really useful, and not so wrong that someone
tells you to stop.
Be Blunt...
The more direct version of “How can I help?” is “What do you
want from me?” If “How can I help?” is James Bond in a tuxedo,
then “What do you want from me?” is Bond in bust-out-of-the-
baddies’-evil-lair mode. It strips the conversation down to
understanding the essential exchange: What do you want? What do
I want? And now, what shall we do about that?