angrymomenthetakesthemaway.Inhismindhefeelsjustifiedinnotgivinganythingbecausesheowes
him.Hethinksitisfair.Thismaybefairmathematically,butitisnotreallyfair.
Penalty pointsaredestructivetorelationships.Theymakeawomanfeelunappreciatedandamanless
giving. Ifhenegates in hismind all theloving supportshe hasgiven, when she doesexpress some
negativity, which is bound to happen occasionally, he then loseshis motivation to give. Hebecomes
passive.Thisfifthinsighthaspracticalapplicationsforbothmenandwomen.
ForMen:Rememberthatpenaltypointsarenotfairanddonotwork.Atmomentswhenyoufeelunloved,
offended, or hurt, forgive herand remember allthe good shehas given rather than penalize herby
negatingitall.Insteadofpunishingher,askherforthesupportyouwant,andshewillgiveit.Respectfully
letherknowhowshehashurtyou.Letherknowhowshehashurtyouandthengiveheranopportunity
toapologize.Punishmentdoesnotwork!Youwillfeelmuchbetterbygivingherachancetogiveyouwhat
youneed.RemembersheisaVenusian--shedoesn'tknowwhatyouneedorhowshehurtsyou.
ForWomen:Rememberthatmenhavethistendencytogivepenaltypoints.Therearetwoapproachesto
protectyourselffromthisabuse.
Thefirstapproachistorecognizethatheiswrongintakingawayyourpoints.Inarespectfulwaylethim
knowhowyoufeel.Inthenextchapterwewillexplorewaystoexpressdifficultornegativefeelings.
The second approach is to recognize hetakes away points when hefeels unloved and hurtand he
immediatelygivesthembackwhenhefeelslovedandsupported.Ashefeelsmoreandmorelovedforthe
littlethingshedoes,hewillgradually givepenaltypointslessandless.Trytounderstandthedifferent
waysheneedslovesothathedoesn'tgethurtasmuch.
Whenyouareabletorecognizehowhehasbeenhurt,lethimknowthatyouaresorry.Mostimportant,
thengivehimthelovehedidn'tget.Ifhefeelsunappreciated,givehimtheappreciationheneeds;ifhe
feelsrejectedormanipulated,givehimtheacceptanceheneeds;ifhefeelsmistrusted,givehimthe trust
heneeds;ifhefeelsputdown,givehimtheadmirationthatheneeds;ifhefeelsdisapproval,givehimthe
approvalheneedsanddeserves.Whenamanfeelslovedhewillquitusingpenaltypoints.
Themostdifficultpartoftheaboveprocessisknowingwhathurthim.Forthemostpart,whenaman
withdrawsintohiscave,hedoesn'tknowwhathurthim.Then,whenhecomesout,hegenerallydoesn't
talkaboutit.Howisawomansupposedtoknowwhatactuallyhurtshisfeelings?Readingthisbookand
understandinghowmenneedlovedifferentlyisagoodbeginningandgivesyouanedgethatwomenhave
neverhadbefore.
Theotherwayawomancanlearnwhathappenedisthroughcommunication.AsIhavementionedbefore,
themoreawomanisabletoopenupandshareherfeelingsinarespectfulway,themoreamanisableto
learntoopenupandsharehishurtandpain.