Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

(Tina Meador) #1

Similarly,amanwhogiveslessshouldnotblamehispartnerforbeingnegativeorunreceptivetohim.In
bothcases,blamingdoesnotwork.


Understanding,trust,compassion, acceptance, andsupport arethe solution, notblamingour partners.
When this situation occurs, instead of blaming hisfemale partner for being resentful, aman can be
compassionateandofferhissupportevenifshedoesn'taskforit,listentoherevenifatfirstitsoundslike
blame,andhelphertotrustandopenuptohimbydoinglittlethingsforhertoshowthathecares.


Instead ofblamingaman forgivingless,awomancanacceptandforgiveherpartner'simperfections,
especiallywhenhedisappointsher,trustthathewantstogivemorewhenhedoesn'tofferhissupport,
andencouragehimtogivemorebyappreciatingwhathedoesgiveandcontinuingtoaskforhissupport.


SETTINGANDRESPECTINGLIMITS...............................................................................................


Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries ofwhat shecan give without
resentingherpartner.Insteadofexpectingherpartnertoeventhescore,sheneedstokeepitevenby
regulatinghowmuchshegives.


Let's look atanexample. Jim wasthirty-nine andhiswife, Susan, wasforty-onewhen they camefor
counseling.Susanwantedadivorce.Shecomplainedthatshehadbeengivingmorethanhehadfortwelve
years and could not take it anymore. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and
unromantic.Shesaidshehadnothinglefttogiveandwasreadytoleave.Heconvincedhertocometo
therapy,butshewasdoubtful.Inasix-monthperiodtheywereabletomovethroughthethreestepsfor
healingarelationship.Todaytheyarehappilymarriedwiththreechildren.


StepI:Motivation


IexplainedtoJimthathiswifewasexperiencingtwelveyearsofaccumulatedresentment.Ifhewantedto
savethismarriage,hewouldhavetodoalotoflisteningforhertobemotivatedtoworkontheirmarriage.
Forthefirstsixsessionstogether,IencouragedSusantoshareherfeelingsandhelpedJimpatientlyto
understandhernegativefeelings.Thiswasthehardestpartoftheirhealingprocess.Ashebegantoreally
hearherpainandunfulfilledneeds,hebecameincreasinglymotivatedandconfidentthathecouldmake
thechangesnecessarytohavealovingrelationship.


BeforeSusancouldbemotivatedtoworkontheirrelationship,sheneededtobeheardandfeelthatJim
validatedherfeelings:thiswasthefirststep.AfterSusanfeltunderstood,theywereabletoproceedtothe
nextstep.


Step 2 :Responsibility


Thesecondstepwastakingresponsibility.Jimneededtotakeresponsibilityfornotsupportinghiswife,

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