Inadditiontopatientlytrustingherpartnertogrowandchange,ifawomanisnotgettingwhatsheneeds
andwants,shecanandshouldshareherfeelingsandmakerequests(butagainwithoutgivingadviceor
criticism).Thisisanartthatrequirescaringandcreativity.Thesearefourpossibleapproaches:
I.Awomancantellamanthatshedoesn'tlikethewayhedresseswithoutgivinghimalectureonhowto
dress.Shecould say casuallyasheisgettingdressed"I don'tlikethatshirtonyou.Wouldyouwear
anotheronetonight?" Ifheisannoyedby thatcomment,thensheshouldrespecthis sensitivitiesand
apologize.Shecouldsay"I'msorry_-Ididn'tmeantotellyouhowtodress."
2 .Ifheisthatsensitive-andsomemenare-thenshecouldtrytalkingaboutitatanothertime.Shecould
say"Rememberthatblueshirtyouworewiththegreenslacks?Ididn'tlikethatcombination.Wouldyou
trywearingitwithyourgrayslacks?"
3 .Shecoulddirectlyask"Wouldyouletmetakeyoushoppingoneday?Iwouldlovetopickoutanoutfit
foryou."Ifhesaysno,thenshecanbesurethathedoesn'twantanymoremothering.Ifhesaysyes,be
surenottooffertoomuchadvice.Rememberhissensitivities.
4 .Shecouldsay"ThereissomethingIwanttotalkaboutbutIdon'tknowhowtosayit.[Pause.]Idon't
wanttooffendyou,butIalsoreallywanttosayit.WouldyoulistenandthensuggesttomeabetterwayI
couldsayit?"Thishelpshimtopreparehimselffortheshockandthenhehappilydiscoversthatitisnot
suchabigdeal.
Let'sexploreanotherexample.Ifshedoesn'tlikehistablemannersandthey arealone, shecould say
(withoutadisapprovinglook)"Wouldyouuseyoursilverware?"or"Wouldyoudrinkfromyourglass?"If,
however,youareinfrontofothers,itiswisetosaynothingandnotevennotice.Anotherdayyoucould
say"Wouldyouuseyoursilverwarewhenweeatinfrontofthekids?"or"Whenyoueatwithyourfingers,
Ihateit.Igetsopickyabouttheselittlethings.Whenyoueatwithme,wouldyouuseyoursilverware?"
Ifhebehavesinawaythatembarrassesyou,waitforatimewhennooneelseisaroundandthenshare
yourfeelings.Don'ttellhimhowhe"shouldbehave"orthatheiswrong;insteadsharehonestfeelingsina
lovingandbriefway.Youcouldsay"Theothernightattheparty,Ididn'tlikeitwhenyouweresoloud.
WhenI'maround,wouldyoutrytokeepitdown?"Ifhegetsupsetanddoesn'tlikethiscomment,then
simplyapologizeforbeingcritical.
Thisartofgivingnegativefeedbackandaskingforsupportisdiscussedthoroughlyinchapters 9 andI 2 .In
addition,thebesttimesforhavingtheseconversationsisexploredinthenextchapter.
When a Man Doesn't Need Help
Amanmaystarttofeelsmotheredwhenawomantriestocomforthimorhelphimsolveaproblem.He
feelsasthoughshedoesn'ttrusthimtohandlehisproblems.Hemayfeelcontrolled,asifsheistreating