Amanassumesthathersuddenchangeofmoodisbasedsolelyonhisbehavior.Whensheishappyhe
takescredit,butwhensheisunhappyhealsofeelsresponsible.Hemayfeelextremelyfrustratedbecause
hedoesn'tknowhowtomakethingsbetter.Oneminutesheseemshappy,andsohebelievesheisdoing
agoodjobandthenthenextminutesheisunhappy.Heisshockedbecausehethoughthewasdoingso
well.
Don't Try to Fix It
BillandMaryhadbeenmarriedforsixyears.BillhadobservedthiswavepatterninMary,butbecausehe
didn'tunderstandit,hetriedto"fixit,"whichjustmademattersworse.Hethoughtsomethingwaswrong
withhertendency togoupanddown.Hewouldtryexplainingtoherthatshedidn'tneedtobeupset.
Maryonlyfeltmoremisunderstoodandthusmoredistressed.
Althoughhethoughthewas"fixingit,"hewasactuallypreventingherfromfeelingbetter.Whenawoman
movesintoherwell,heneedstolearnthatthisiswhensheneedshimthemost,anditisnotaproblemto
besolvedorfixed,butanopportunitytosupportherwithunconditionallove.
Billsaid,"Ican'tunderstandmywife,Mary.Forweekssheisthemostwonderfulwoman.Shegivesher
lovesounconditionallytomeandtoeveryone.Thensuddenlyshebecomesoverwhelmedbyhowmuch
sheisdoingforeveryoneandstartsbeingdisapprovingofme.It'snotmyfaultshe'sunhappy.Iexplain
thattoher,andwejustgetintothebiggestfights."
Likemanymen,Billmadethemistakeoftryingtopreventhispartnerfrom"goingdown"or"bottoming
out."Hetriedtorescueherbypullingherup.Hehadnotlearnedthatwhenhiswifewasgoingdownshe
neededtohitbottombeforeshecouldcomeup.
Whenhiswife,Mary,startedtocrash,herfirstsymptomwastofeeloverwhelmed.Insteadoflisteningto
herwithcaring,warmth,andempathy,hewouldtrytobringherbackupwithexplanationsofwhyshe
shouldn'tbesoupset.
Thelastthingawomanneedswhensheisonherwaydownissomeonetellingherwhysheshouldn'tbe
down.Whatsheneedsissomeonetobewithherasshegoesdown,tolistentoherwhileshesharesher
feelings, andtoempathize withwhatsheisgoingthrough. Evenifamancan'tfully understandwhya
womanfeelsoverwhelmed,hecanofferhislove,attention,andsupport.
Now Men Are Confused
Afterlearninghowwomenarelikewaves,Billwasstillconfused.Thenexttimehiswifeseemedtobein
herwell,hepracticedlisteningtoher.Asshetalkedaboutsomeofthethingsthatwerebotheringher,he
practicednotoffering suggestionsto"fix her" ormakeherfeelbetter. Afterabouttwenty minuteshe