UNDERSTANDINGNEEDINESS.......................................................................................................
During my relationshipseminar Tom complained, saying, "In thebeginning ofour relationship, Susan
seemedsostrong,butthensuddenlyshebecamesoneedy.IrememberreassuringherthatIlovedher
andthatshewasimportanttome.Afteralotoftalkingwegotoverthathurdle,butthenagainamonth
latershewentthroughthesameinsecurity.Itwasasifshehadneverheardmethefirsttime.Ibecameso
frustratedwithherthatwegotinabigargument."
Tomwassurprisedtoseethatmanyothermensharedhisexperienceintheirrelationships.WhenTom
metSusanshewasontheupswingofherwave. AstheirrelationshipprogressedSusan'sloveforTom
grew. After her wave peaked, suddenly she started feeling very needy and possessive. She became
insecureanddemandedmoreattention.
Thiswasthebeginningofherdescentintothewell.Tomcouldnotunderstandwhyshehadchanged,but
afteraratherintensediscussionthatwentonforhours,Susanfeltmuchbetter.Tomhadreassuredherof
hisloveandsupport,andSusanwasnowswingingupagain.Insidehefeltrelieved.
Afterthisinteraction Tom thought he hadsuccessfully solvedthisproblem in their relationship. But a
monthlaterSusanbegantocrashandbeganfeelingthesamewayagain.ThistimeTomwasmuchless
understandingandacceptingofher.Hebecameimpatient.Hewasinsultedthatshewouldmistrusthim
againafterhehadreassuredherofhisloveamonthbefore.Inhisdefensivenesshenegativelyjudgedher
recurringneedforreassurance.Asaresulttheyargued.
Reassuring insights by understanding howwomenarelikewaves, Tom realized thattherecurrenceof
Susan's needinessandinsecurity wasnatural,inevitable,andtemporary. Herealized hownaivehehad
beentothinkthathislovingresponsetoSusan'sdeepestcoreissuescouldpermanentlyhealher.
TomlearningsuccessfullytosupportSusanwhenshewasinherwellnotonlymadeiteasierforhertodo
herinnerhealingbutalsohelpedthem nottohavefightsatthosetimes.Tomwasencouragedbythe
threefollowingrealizations.
1 .Aman'sloveandsupportcannotinstantlyresolveawoman'sissues.Hislove,however,canmakeitsafe
forhertogodeeperintoherwell.Itisnaivetoexpectawomantobeperfectlylovingallthetime.Hecan
expecttheseissuestocomeupagainandagain.Eachtime,however,hecangetbetteratsupportingher.
2 .Awomangoingintoherwellisnotaman'sfaultorhisfailure.By beingmoresupportivehecannot
preventitfromhappening,buthecanhelpherthroughthesedifficulttimes.
3 .Awomanhaswithinherselftheabilitytospontaneouslyriseupaftershehashitbottom.Amandoes
nothavetofixher.Sheisnotbrokenbutjustneedshislove,patience,andunderstanding.