How to Disagree without Being Disagreeable 183
—unless what you really mean is
Tell me what you think, so I can show you how ridiculous
you are and how right I am.Avoid implying that you are looking for consensus when
you are really looking for ammunition. Your actions must back
up your words or you will lose trust.
PowerPhrases to Handle Disagreements
Are Not Mean When You Say Them
Ridicule people and watch them shut down. Honor their
thoughts and watch them open up. When they open up to you,
you can better understand their position. Understand their posi-
tion, and you can integrate it with your own. There is power in
being nice after all!
A wonderful formula for disagreeing is called the “feel-felt-
found formula.” You begin by acknowledging what they feel,
explain that you or others have felt that way in the past, and
explain what you have learned. For example, if someone doesn’t
want to use a credit card over the Internet, applying this formula
you would say,
I understand how you feel. When I first used my credit
card over the Internet, I felt nervous. When I found
that it was actually safer than giving a credit card to a
waiter, I felt better.