Hiding is what Mike was doing in his marriage, until he found the courage to 5-
4- 3- 2- 1 to be “more honest with” himself:
“I am talking to my wife again about subjects I would have rather just been ignored (not like they were going away because
my head was in the sand or anything). And I am being more honest with myself. And most of all I like that. I may not
be perfect, but I am worthy. I’m surprised by just how damn good that feels – to be worthy.”
—MikeMike just shared a very powerful secret. To feel worthy, you must first make
your own instincts worthy of your attention and your effort. And Anthony was
surprised that “something so simple” as having the courage to “lean into what I
normally shy away from” could create such “enormous change” in his marriage,
helping him to be “closer to my wife” and get his needs met.
“That something so simple could create such enormous change. That was surprising. I used to expect people to know my
needs and would harbor resentment when my needs were not met, mostly with my wife. I thought all wives could read
minds, imagine my surprise.
By using the Rule to simply lean into what I normally would shy away from I’m making great strides in a few areas
of my life. I’m smiling as I type this. I’m closer to my wife and my needs are starting to be met. I had no idea that my
silence was the problem.”
—AnthonyAs Anthony said he “had no idea that my silence was the problem.” Silence is
always the problem. Deciding not to say what you feel creates what researchers call
“cognitive dissonance” between what you truly believe (in your heart) and what you
actually do in the moment. Those problems build up and, over time, they can break
your relationship.
That’s what happened to Estelle during what she described as “an ordinary
moment in time.” A seemingly stupid argument with her husband “cracked a
branch in a silent woods” and her response was immediate—“I asked him for a
divorce.” Here’s how she described it: