With me out of work and Chris’s business struggling, the financial pressure
mounted; scary letters from attorneys seemed to arrive daily and checks constantly
bounced. The collection calls were so relentless that we unplugged the phone.
When my dad sent us money to cover the mortgage, I was both grateful and
ashamed.
In public, we tried to keep up appearances because so many friends and family
members had invested in the restaurant business, which only made the pressure
worse. Chris and his partner were working around-the-clock to save it. I tried to
keep an upbeat façade, but on the inside I was overwhelmed, embarrassed, and
afraid. Our financial problems were tearing us apart. I blamed the restaurants and
he blamed me for pursuing a career in the media business. In truth, we were both to
blame.
No matter how bad your life can seem, you can always make it worse. I did. I
drank too much. Way too much. I was jealous of friends who didn’t have to work. I
was bitchy and judgmental. Our problems seemed so big that I convinced myself
there was nothing I could do. Meanwhile, in public, I just pretended everything was
fine.
In hindsight, I can see that is was just easier to feel sorry for myself and blame
Chris and his struggling business than to take a look in the mirror and pull myself
together. The best way to describe how I felt was “trapped.” I felt trapped by my
life and the decisions I had made. I felt trapped by our money problems. And I felt
trapped in a frustrating struggle with myself.
I knew what I should or could be doing to make things better, but I couldn’t
make myself do those things. They were small things: getting up on time, being
nicer to Chris, getting support from friends, drinking less, and taking better care of
myself. But knowing what you need to do isn’t enough to create a change.