thought of as extremely emotional, but she said that she had no
idea that she was so emotional. She said that she thought she
was stoic and gave nothing away. A lot of people are like that.
They think they are more forthcoming than they actually are, or
more negative than they actually are. It was only when they
were watching the tape that they realized they were wrong
about what they were communicating.”
If couples aren’t aware of how they sound, how much value
can there be in asking them direct questions? Not much, and
this is why Gottman has couples talk about something involving
their marriage — like their pets — without being about their
marriage. He looks closely at indirect measures of how the
couple is doing: the telling traces of emotion that flit across one
person’s face; the hint of stress picked up in the sweat glands of
the palm; a sudden surge in heart rate; a subtle tone that creeps
into an exchange. Gottman comes at the issue sideways, which,
he has found, can be a lot quicker and a more efficient path to
the truth than coming at it head-on.
What those observers of dorm rooms were doing was simply
a layperson’s version of John Gottman’s analysis. They were
looking for the “fist” of those college students. They gave
themselves fifteen minutes to drink things in and get a hunch