relationship.)
Sometimes people with the fixed mindset blind themselves to problems in the partner or
the relationship so they won’t have to go that route.
Everybody thought Yvonne was having a flirtation. She was getting mysterious phone
calls. She was often late picking up the kids. Her “nights out with the girls” doubled. Her mind
was often elsewhere. Her husband, Charlie, said she was just going through a phase. “All women
go through times like this,” he insisted. “It doesn’t mean she’s got a guy.”
Charlie’s best friend urged him to look into it. But Charlie felt that if he confronted the
reality—and it was negative—his world would come crashing down. In the fixed mindset, he’d
have to confront the idea that either (1) the woman he loved was a bad person, (2) he was a bad
person and drove her away, or (3) their relationship was bad and irreparable.
He couldn’t handle any of those. It didn’t occur to him that there were problems that
could be solved, that she was sending him a message she desperately wanted him to hear: Don’t
take me for granted. I need more attention.
A growth mindset doesn’t mean he would necessarily confront her, but he would confront
it—the situation. He’d think about what was wrong. Maybe explore the issue with a counselor.
Make an informed decision about what to do next. If there were problems to be solved, at least
there’d be a chance.
EACH ONE A LOSER
Penelope’s friends sat at home complaining that there were no good men. Penelope went
out and found them. Each time, she would find a great guy and fall head over heels. “He’s the
one,” she’d tell her friends as she began reading the bridal magazines and practically writing the
announcement for the local paper. They’d believe her because he was always a guy with a lot
going for him.
But then something would happen. It was over for one of them when he got her a tacky
birthday present. Another put ketchup on his food and sometimes wore white shoes. Another had
bad electronic habits: His cell phone etiquette was poor and he watched too much TV. And this
is only a partial list.
Assuming traits were fixed, Penelope would decide that she couldn’t live with these
flaws. But most of these were not deep or serious character problems that couldn’t be addressed
with a little communication.
My husband and I had been together almost a year and, as my birthday approached, I sent
a clear message: “I’m not mercenary, but I like a good present.” He said, “Isn’t it the thought that
counts?” I replied, “That’s what people say when they don’t want to put thought into it.
“Once a year,” I continued, “we each have our day. I love you and I plan to put time and
effort into choosing a present for you. I would like you to do that for me, too.” He’s never let me
down.
Penelope assumed that somewhere out there was someone who was already perfect.
Relationship expert Daniel Wile says that choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems. There
are no problem-free candidates. The trick is to acknowledge each other’s limitations, and build
from there.
THE FLAWS FLY
Brenda and Jack were clients of Daniel Wile, and he tells this tale. Brenda came home
from work and told Jack a long, detailed story with no apparent point. Jack was bored to tears but
tried to hide it to be polite. Brenda, however, could sense his true feelings, so, hoping to be more
amusing, she launched into another endless story, also about a project at work. Jack was ready to
wang
(Wang)
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