Underneath it all, shy people may be wonderful and interesting, but they often can’t show it with
someone new. And they know it.
What can mindsets teach us about shyness? Jennifer Beer studied hundreds of people to
find out. She measured people’s mindsets, she assessed their shyness, and then she brought them
together two at a time to get acquainted. The whole thing was filmed, and, later on, trained raters
watched the film and evaluated the interactions.
Beer found, first, that people with the fixed mindset were more likely to be shy. This
makes sense. The fixed mindset makes you concerned about judgment, and this can make you
more self-conscious and anxious. But there were plenty of shy people with both mindsets, and
when she looked at them more closely, she found something even more interesting.
Shyness harmed the social interactions of people with the fixed mindset but did not harm
the social relations of people with the growth mindset. The observers’ ratings showed that,
although both fixed- and growth-minded shy people looked very nervous for the first five
minutes of the interaction, after that the shy growth-minded people showed greater social skills,
were more likable, and created a more enjoyable interaction. In fact, they began to look just like
non-shy people.
This happened for good reasons. For one thing, the shy growth-minded people looked on
social situations as challenges. Even though they felt anxious, they actively welcomed the chance
to meet someone new. The shy fixed people, instead, wanted to avoid meeting someone who
might be more socially skilled than they were. They said they were more worried about making
mistakes. So the fixed- and growth-mindset people confronted the situation with different
attitudes. One embraced the challenge and the other feared the risk.
Armed with these different attitudes, the shy growth-mindset people felt less shy and
nervous as the interaction wore on, but the shy fixed-mindset people continued to be nervous and
continued to do more socially awkward things, like avoiding eye contact or trying to avoid
talking.
You can see how these different patterns would affect making friends. The shy
growth-mindset people take control of their shyness. They go out and meet new people, and,
after their nerves settle down, their relationships proceed normally. The shyness doesn’t
tyrannize them.
But for fixed-mindset people, the shyness takes control. It keeps them out of social
situations with new people, and when they’re in them, they can’t let down their guard and let go
of their fears.
Scott Wetzler, a therapist and professor of psychiatry, paints a portrait of his client
George, a picture of the shy fixed-mindset person. George was incredibly shy, especially with
women. He was so eager to look cool, witty, and confident—and so worried that he’d look
overeager and inept—that he froze and acted cold. When his attractive co-worker Jean started
flirting with him, he became so flustered that he began avoiding her. Then one day she
approached him in a nearby coffee shop and cutely suggested he ask her to join him. When he
couldn’t think of a clever response to impress her, he replied, “It doesn’t matter to me if you sit
down or not.”
George, what were you doing? He was trying to protect himself from rejection—by
trying not to seem too interested. And he was trying to end this awkward situation. In a strange
way, he succeeded. He certainly didn’t seem too interested, and the interaction soon ended, as
Jean got out of there real fast. He was just like the people in Jennifer Beer’s study, controlled by
his fear of social judgment and prevented from making contact.
wang
(Wang)
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