embarking on an initiative to build student motivation based on [growth] feedback.
Yours,
Stan Davis
Haim Ginott, the renowned child psychologist, also shows how teachers can point bullies
away from judgment and toward improvement and compassion. Here is a letter from a teacher to
an eight-year-old bully in her class. Notice that she doesn’t imply he’s a bad person, and she
shows respect by referring to his leadership, by using big words, and by asking for his
advice.Dear Jay,Andy’s mother has told me that her son has been made very unhappy this year.
Name-calling and ostracism have left him sad and lonely. I feel concerned about the situation.
Your experience as a leader in your class makes you a likely person for me to turn to for advice.
I value your ability to sympathize with those who suffer. Please write me your suggestions about
how we can help Andy.
Sincerely,
Your teacher.
In a New York Times article on bullying, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold are referred to as
“two misfit teenagers.” It’s true. They didn’t fit in. But you never hear the bullies referred to as
misfits. Because they weren’t. They fit right in. In fact, they defined and ruled the school culture.
The notion that some people are entitled to brutalize others is not a healthy one. Stan
Davis points out that as a society, we rejected the idea that people were entitled to brutalize
blacks and harass women. Why do we accept the idea that people are entitled to brutalize our
children?
By doing so, we also insult the bullies. We tell them we don’t think they’re capable of
more, and we miss the chance to help them become more.
Grow Your Mindset• fter a rejection, do you feel judged, bitter, and vengeful? Or do
you feel hurt, but hopeful of forgiving, learning, and moving on? Think of the worst rejection
you ever had. Get in touch with all the feelings, and see if you can view it from a growth
mindset. What did you learn from it? Did it teach you something about what you want and don’t
want in your life? Did it teach you some positive things that were useful in later relationships?
Can you forgive that person and wish them well? Can you let go of the bitterness?• icture your
ideal love relationship. Does it involve perfect compatibility—no disagreements, no
compromises, no hard work? Please think again. In every relationship, issues arise. Try to see
them from a growth mindset: Problems can be a vehicle for developing greater understanding
and intimacy. Allow your partner to air his or her differences, listen carefully, and discuss them
in a patient and caring manner. You may be surprised at the closeness this creates.• re you a
blamer like me? It’s not good for a relationship to pin everything on your partner. Create your
own Maurice and blame him instead. Better yet, work toward curing yourself of the need to
blame. Move beyond thinking about fault and blame all the time. Think of me trying to do that
too.• re you shy? Then you really need the growth mindset. Even if it doesn’t cure your shyness,
it will help keep it from messing up your social interactions. Next time you’re venturing into a
social situation, think about these things: how social skills are things you can improve and how
social interactions are for learning and enjoyment, not judgment. Keep practicing this.
Chapter 7
PARENTS, TEACHERS, AND COACHES: WHERE DO MINDSETS COME
FROM?