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thousand roubles, as a marriage portion, to do what she
liked with. She was an hysterical woman. I saw something
of her in Moscow, later.
‘Well, suddenly I received by post four thousand five
hundred roubles. I was speechless with surprise, as you
may suppose. Three days later came the promised letter. I
have it with me now. You must read it. She offers to be my
wife, offers herself to me. ‘I love you madly, she says, ‘even
if you don’t love me, never mind. Be my husband. Don’t be
afraid. I won’t hamper you in any way. I will be your chat-
tel. I will be the carpet under your feet. I want to love you
for ever. I want to save you from yourself.’ Alyosha, I am not
worthy to repeat those lines in my vulgar words and in my
vulgar tone, my everlastingly vulgar tone, that I can never
cure myself of. That letter stabs me even now. Do you think
I don’t mind — that I don’t mind still? I wrote her an answer
at once, as it was impossible for me to go to Moscow. I wrote
to her with tears. One thing I shall be ashamed of for ever.
I referred to her being rich and having a dowry while I was
only a stuck-up beggar! I mentioned money! I ought to have
borne it in silence, but it slipped from my pen. Then I wrote
at once to Ivan, and told him all I could about it in a letter
of six pages, and sent him to her. Why do you look like that?
Why are you staring at me? Yes, Ivan fell in love with her;
he’s in love with her still. I know that. I did a stupid thing, in
the world’s opinion; but perhaps that one stupid thing may
be the saving of us all now. Oo! Don’t you see what a lot she
thinks of Ivan, how she respects him? When she compares
us, do you suppose she can love a man like me, especially