another—answering questions pleasantly one day, and irritably dismissing them the next—sudden expressions of
love followed by sudden explosions of resentment—arbitrary unexplained rules and arbitrary, unexplained
exceptions—unexpected rewards and unprovoked punishments—subtle pressures, gentle sarcasms, smiling lies,
masquerading as affection and parental devotion—switching, irreconcilable commandments—vagueness and
ambiguity and impatience and coldness and hysteria and indulgence and reproaches and anxious tenderness.
It was not the trauma of a single moment or episode, but a long accumulation of blows delivered to a victim who
was not yet able to know he was a victim, or of what. He could not understand his elders' behavior; he knew only
that he felt trapped in a world that was unintelligible and menacing.
As he grew older, this impression was confirmed and reinforced by many other people he encountered, by the
irrational behavior of playmates, teachers, etc.
The process of repressing his feelings began early. His bewilderment and dread were painful and he did not like to
experience them. He could not understand his feelings; he could not yet conceptualize the factors involved. He
could not yet be fully confident of his ability to judge his parents and other people correctly; his judgments lacked
the conviction of certainty. At times, he experienced his feeling of horror as overwhelming and paralyzing. And so,
to reduce his anguish and to maintain a sense of control, he strove to deny the reality of the problem. This meant:
when faced with dishonesty, hypocrisy, inconsistency, evasiveness, to feel nothing—to be an emotional blank. This
meant: to inactivate his capacity to pass moral judgments.
Now, as an adult, he has learned to "accept" human irrationality. " Acceptance," in this context, does not mean the
knowledge that a great many men behave irrationally and that he must be prepared to meet this problem; it means
he accepts irrationality as the normal and natural, he ceases to regard it as an aberration, he does not condemn it.
If a friend whom he had every reason to trust commits some act of betrayal, and he cannot escape feeling hurt and
shocked, he reproaches himself for his reaction: he feels that he is naive and out of touch with reality.