Meanwhile, he must make some sacrifices to accommodate
her need to experience emotional intimacy. She will need to
talk about the problems she has experienced throughout their
marriage. While this may be difficult for him, he should give
her the opportunity to share her feelings, and he should listen
nondefensively. She should not expect him to be thrilled by
this requirement, but should be grateful that he is willing to
do his best to accommodate her needs.
Quite often going to a marriage counselor can make this
process much easier. The more she can talk freely, the more
she will be able to feel her love again. By making a deliberate
effort to accommodate each other’s needs at this difficult time
they can reignite the love and passion they used to feel.
However, going backward is always more difficult than
going forward. If couples initially take the time to move
through the stages, they can create a solid foundation so their
house will not get cracks. By devoting time to overcoming the
challenges of each of the five stages they can avoid having to
face divorce.
WHEN TO KEEP MOVING BACK
When a woman wants to get married and her partner is resist-
ant—and moving back to stage four doesn’t work—she should
move back to stage three; if that doesn’t work, she should move
back to stage two or even one. By moving back gradually she
and her partner can experience the earlier stages of the growth
of love.
In this way a man can gain the strength and clarity to either
end the relationship in a positive manner or make a marriage
proposal. It will also give the woman the strength and clarity
to either end the relationship if he doesn’t propose or respond
with a big yes if he does.
148 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.