Just the thought of her asking, “Why don’t you want to get
to know me?” is upsetting. He doesn’t know how to deal with
a question like that. Instinctively he knows it is completely
inappropriate to give a list of reasons why you don’t like
someone. If she really needs the feedback, a friend should let
her know. It is not his job, particularly if he doesn’t want to
pursue the relationship.
A man generally doesn’t know that if she asks why, he can
still be polite and say something like, “I don’t think I am the
right person for you,” and just keep repeating that as his an-
swer if she keeps asking the question. That is polite and it is
good enough. If you don’t have anything good to say, then
don’t say anything. To be completely accurate, when you don’t
want to pursue someone, one simple answer will do: “I don’t
feel enough chemistry to pursue a relationship.”
You either feel or don’t feel enough chemistry to pursue a
relationship. It is not about the other person at all. Some people
like mangoes and some don’t. Whether you like mangoes has
nothing to do with the intrinsic value of mangoes; it has to do
with you. There is nothing wrong with you or with the mango
if you don’t like mangoes.
In stage one (attraction), when you are not interested in
pursuing a woman, the easiest and sometimes the best way to
let her know is to call back and leave a message on her answer-
ing machine when you know she is at work. This is a great
solution and most women will greatly appreciate at least get-
ting the call instead of being ignored and wondering if you
are going to call.
In stage two (uncertainty), when you are not sure you are
interested in pursuing a relationship, it is also acceptable to
leave a message. In this case you simply acknowledge the truth,
that you had a good time and you will get back to her in a few
weeks.
244 / JOHN GRAY, PH.D.