this chart may be useful in helping you identify some specific areas of needed
development within yourself.
These categories of emotional intelligence may also help explain why
some people are such a frustration to you (at the emotional level). For
some reason, when we can categorize or label the issue, we seem to have an
easier time coping with it. Look at others only after you have taken an hon-
est assessment of yourself. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Are
some people responding to me negatively because they lack EQ or because
I’m sending the wrong emotional signals? To point fingers at the other
party’s issue before taking honest assessment of our own communication
habits and patterns would indicate a lack of awareness. A lack of personal
awareness leads to a critical spirit and, ultimately, duplicity—which was the
point of Jesus’ teaching of removing the log from your own eye before tak-
ing the splinter out of your neighbor’s eye.
The terms low EQand high EQare not permanent labels, because EQ is
not a static state like IQ. Instead, EQ is a dynamic state (demonstrated by
the fact that many of us gave ourselves a 2 in many of the areas listed in
Figure 27.1). This means that we bounce back and forth between low and
high EQ in our responses to situations and people, depending on our emo-
tional state at the time. The fact that EQ is a dynamic state should give us
all hope for practicing higher levels of EQ in our communication. Awareness
is the key to correcting our deficiencies.
Most people find strength in some areas, weakness in others, and vac-
illation in others. Often the demonstration of high EQ communication
skills hinges on our emotional vulnerability at the moment. For instance, I
may not be as cautious and tactful in giving feedback if I am under the
stress of a deadline. This is why it is important to be honest with the above
appraisal. For example, if I tell myself I am strong in an area where, in fact,
I often offend, I only succeed in deluding myself and prolonging the pat-
tern. Honesty with oneself is the anchor for awareness. On the other hand,
if I am aware of the fact that when I am under a deadline, I tend to respond
with a low level of EQ, that very awareness will act as the emotional border
patrol the next time the situation arises.
CREATURES OF HABIT
“The chains of habit are too light to be noticed
until they are too heavy to be removed.”
—WARREN BUFFETTSeven Habits of the Emotionally Competent 245