My husband’s father passed away not
long ago, leaving behind a wife. Th ey were
together for decades, but she was never
beloved by the three stepchildren, and she
never had children of her own. A person
she considers a ‘‘nephew’’ lives in the same
city we do and encouraged her to move to
be near him. She couldn’t stay in her home
alone as she was showing mild signs of
dementia, and there was evidence, such as
unpaid bills, that she was not managing
her aff airs well. We assisted her in moving
across the country, and she is residing in
a very nice senior community. We manage
her fi nances and health care and visit
a few times a month. Th e ‘‘nephew’’ does
visit her, but nothing more, and has asked
for fi nancial support a few times since
she moved. She is not an easy person in
some regards; for example, she broods
about perceived slights and then wants to
change her will to cut out the person
she feels slighted her (this is a chronic issue).
My question is, what are our ongoing
obligations, if any, to this person?Name WithheldOur popular lore is fi lled with unkind ste-
reotypes about mothers-in-law and step-
mothers. (Maybe fathers-in-law and step-
fathers get an easier ride because they’re
more likely to be seen — in this realm
of stock characters — as simply checked
out?) You’re writing about a person who,
with respect to you and your husband,
plays both roles. In reality, relationships
don’t reliably adhere to a template. Some-
times things just click; sometimes intima-
cy develops over time. But life isn’t always
allergic to cliché, so here we are.
When you provide people with ongo-
ing assistance, you tend to assume ongo-
ing obligations. In ways I’ve discussed
before, when a helping hand is depend-
ably there, it’s only reasonable that
we come to depend on it. And so your
stepmother-in-law now has a legitimate
expectation that she can rely on you to
manage her fi nances and her health care
arrangements; she probably also expects
that you’ll continue to spend time with
her. These are responsibilities that have
accrued to you because of what you’ve
done for her; they no longer have much20 11.14.21 Illustration by Tomi Um
Illustration by Louise Zergaeng PomeroyThe Ethicist By Kwame Anthony Appiah
To submit a query:
Send an email to
ethicist@nytimes
.com; or send mail
to The Ethicist, The
New York Times
Magazine, 620
Eighth Avenue, New
York, N.Y. 10018.
(Include a daytime
phone number.)Andrew writes: When
we dine out, my wife
likes to consider the
menu, ask questions
of the server and
trade suggestions
with our companions.
I believe you should
know what you
want within minutes.
Who’s right?
————
Greetings, visitor to
this planet! These
rituals are actually
fairly common
among humans,
who view dining as
a social event. But
even if you’re not an
alien, I understand.
It has been some
time since we’ve
regularly been to
restaurants and seen
one another’s faces.
And you’re correct on
one count. Menu talk
should be brief and
considerate — not so
much of your desire
to eat in stony silence
but primarily of your
server’s time (they
are also humans).
But otherwise, try
to enjoy the pageant
of Earth animals
feeding together,
vulnerable, building
trust and intimacy
through conversation
and not poisoning
one another. And if
you’re that hungry
before dinner, have
a snack.Bonus Advice
Fr o m J u d g e
John Hodgmanto do with the fact that she was married
to your father-in-law.
Your letter suggests that her vexing
behavior, perhaps especially recently,
has been trying your patience. (Person-
ality changes can develop along with
dementia, and her unpleasant responses
may be growing more frequent.) You’re
clearly not happy about how she uses her
will as an instrument in her relationships,
including, I’m guessing, her relationship
with you. And you’re not happy either that
she has favored the ‘‘nephew’’ — possibly
even fi nancially — in ways that suggest
she doesn’t appreciate how much more
you and your husband do for her than
he does. If thankless children are sharp-
er than a serpent’s tooth, as King Lear
thought, our skin can be punctured, too,
by ungrateful parents.
Because your existing help for her has
created a dependency, though, you can’t
just stop looking after her interests. That
includes making sure that the ‘‘nephew’’
isn’t exploiting her. But here you should
be attentive to what’s motivating you. He
may, after all, be a genuine source of com-
fort and interest in her life, and it’s not
unnatural for her to want to express her
appreciation of that by helping him out
fi nancially. As another Shakespeare char-
acter says, ‘‘When envy breeds unkind
division —/There comes the ruin, there
begins confusion.’’
No doubt plenty of confusion lies
ahead, but you can do your best to steer
clear of ruin. Dependency is not an irre-
vocable condition. It’s just that if you
choose to reduce your involvement,
you shouldn’t do so suddenly and with-
out making alternative arrangements.
However things work out, you and your
husband have plainly been enormously
helpful to her, and I hope you’re able to
take some satisfaction in that.I am currently helping friends with
their severely disabled child. Th e
child needs round-the-clock supervision;
this is especially challenging during
the night, as someone must monitor
the child’s condition at all times.
Because of the pandemic and my friends’
precarious fi nancial situation,
they are relying on friends to take
a night shift, which used to be
covered by a nurse. I am now monitoring
the child at night once a week, while
other friends or family take other nights.What Do I Owe My
Diffi cult Mother-in-Law?