24 The Times Magazinedidn’t want to go out with anyone. He had to
court me for three months.”
No storming out of Chanel back then?
“He was very gallant and perfectly behaved.
There was no storming.” Have you ever paid
him back by storming out of the Levi’s store
while he’s shopping? She laughs. “Not yet.”
She says it was important that, “I get to know
him. He has a good gift of the gab, but that’s
not enough. I needed to feel secure.” What
made you fall in love with him? “Um. I’m
still thinking.” Fair enough. “He makes me
laugh. Sometimes he’ll say something and you
know those belly laughs you get, that are all-
encompassing? It’s like your brain is so tickled.
Also, we are very easy together.” As long as he
thinks everything was his idea. “Exactly.”
We take a drive up to the farm shop, because
it is a drive. Until you have been amid 1,000
acres you don’t understand what 1,000 acres
is. Is that land Jeremy’s, I ask as we’re driving
there. “Yes.” Is that land Jeremy’s? “Yes.” That
land? “Yes.” We arrive at the shop and the
queue is now three times as long as it was
earlier. As much as people may hanker for
bee juice, this is probably just as much a
pilgrimage site for fans who want to say
they’ve been here, bought the T-shirt, literally.
The queue, on spotting Jeremy, swerves en
masse, like a school of fish, to surround him.
I can’t think of anyone else a crowd might
do that for, apart from Gerald. It’s, “Jeremy,
Jeremy, I love you, Jeremy,” over and over. He
walks purposefully but does pause for selfies,
unless someone is faffing with their phone, in
which case he doesn’t. He momentarily holds
a pumpkin and some chard, then quickly beats
a path out of there. He isn’t allowed at the shop
normally: “I slow everything down.” Lisa then
takes me on a tour of their chickens and their
chillies – Jeremy wants to make his own chilli
sauce – while I look out for Gerald. “He’s
probably mending a dry wall somewhere,” saysLisa. But, goddamn it, we don’t know where.
Eventually, I’m dropped back to the cottage
to await my taxi. The cottage is cluttered and
small. Jeremy is here. “It was fun when we first
moved in, as we only thought we’d be using it
for weekends, but now it’s a squalid mess,” he
says. Their new house (it has columns; it may
have a wrapping room) should have been
finished in June, but still isn’t. “No staircase yet.”
He has an office elsewhere but writes his
books and Sunday Times columns here, on a
little table abutting the kitchen because, Lisa
had told me, this way he can complain about
the noise of the dishwasher he hasn’t put on.
(I forgot to ask where he does his darning.)
He is cautiously friendly. “Cup of tea? I only
have five minutes, literally.” I put it to him that
making the series appears to have changed
him, but he firmly rejects that. “Changed me?
No, no, no. I got slightly more air in my lungs.
But, listen, we made three caricatures on Top
Gear and then The Grand Tour. I wasn’t hiding
behind a comic creation but my character was
a comic creation, and so were James May’s
and Hammond’s. Hammond is nowhere near
as stupid as we make out. May is more boring
than we make out. Everyone assumes the
character they see on motoring shows is me,
but it’s exaggerated. People’s perception of me
may have changed, but I haven’t changed.”
I wonder why he bought a 1,000-acre farm
in the first instance. He says he had bought
a house nearby, as a second home, when the
financial crisis of 2008 forced the neighbouringfarmer to sell his land. He bought it mainly
because you don’t pay death duties on land.
“That’s the critical thing. So rather than just
have money in the bank, and get a statement
with numbers written on it that gives no one
any pleasure at all, you could derive a great
deal of pleasure and pass it on to your
children.” And were you engaged with the
farm when Howard was doing the “farmering”?
“No. They just got on with it. I was in London
and paid it no attention at all. I just saw the
cheques over the years and went out to buy
a packet of crisps with the proceeds.”
Lisa had put the success of the series down
to showing how life on the land truly is, but
is it also because we become more connected
with it as he became more connected with it?
“When the TV programme stopped, I kept
going. That’s the interesting thing. I did a
whole year before it was recommissioned. [The
second series starts next June.] I now know
what’s in every field. I know what the price of
rape is at the moment. I know which cows are
pregnant. I am really engaged with it now.”
We talk briefly about his addiction to
nicotine gum – there are boxes of it everywhere;
he’s frightened he’ll one day fall asleep chewing
“and I’ll choke to death” – and upping his
game on the cooking front. “I can’t cook.” You
can, I say. You just don’t want to. “True. It’s
just making food.” You can follow a recipe if you
can follow the instructions to set up a DVD
player. “No, I can’t do that. Seriously, I can’t.”
Lisa returns with a goodie bag for a boy
called Tom I know who’s obsessed with the
series – did I mention Lisa is also gloriously
kind? – and then I’m away, while trying not
to look disappointed. I had only come to see
Gerald, really. n(PS: Lisa does later send me a little video of
Gerald, who may be saying, “Hello, Deborah, my
love. How are you?” Hard to know for sure.)When they first met,
‘I wasn’t ready to date
again. He had to court
me for three months’
Clockwise from far left: Gin in a Tin, £41; candles,
£22.50 each; Gin in a Tin set, £26; Diddly Squat:
A Year on the Farm plus tea towel, £29.99; festive
seasonings, £5.90 each. Orders over £60 include
a canvas Diddly Squat bag (worth £19.50).
All available from diddlysquatfarmshop.comSMELLS LIKE CHRISTMAS BALLS! Gifts from the farm shop
MAKE-UP: RUTH WARRIOR AT ARLINGTON ARTISTS USING LANCÔME GÉNIFIQUE SKINCARE AND MAC PR0. HAIR: PETER BURKILL AT S MANAGEMENT USING SACHA JUAN AND GHD. LISA WEARS, IMAGE 1, DRESS, GERMANIER (ANNIESIBIZA.COM). IMAGE 2: DRESS, SAFIYAA.COM; SHOES, GINA.COM
; EARRINGS,VICKISARGE.COM. IMAGE 3: DRESS, MARIA LUCIA HOHAN (THEOUTNET.COM); SHOES, GINA.COM; EARRINGS, VICKISARGE.COM; RING, FENTONAND.CO