C4 EZ RE THE WASHINGTON POST.MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22 , 2021
steamed.
I am sure there must be a way
to acknowledge an apology
without indicating that
everything is hunky-dory, but I
can’t think of it without devolving
into snark.Surely there is enough snark
around that it should be avoided.
Miss Manners believes that the
phrase you need is, “I appreciate
your apologizing.”New Miss Manners columns are
posted Monday through Saturday on
washingtonpost.com/advice. You can
send questions to Miss Manners at
her website, missmanners.com. You
can also follow her
@RealMissManners.
© 2 021, by Judith MartinBut yes, Miss Manners agrees
that one holiday should be
celebrated at a time.Dear Miss Manners: What is a
polite response when a person
acknowledges, and apologizes for,
having caused a huge
inconvenience?
My gut response was an honest
but inappropriate: “Yes, you did
delay the (human) pharmacy line
for an additional 20 minutes and
involve both clerks with your
unending questions about cat
laxatives. I am glad you
acknowledge that. Don’t do it
again!”
What I actually said was: “No
problem. Don’t worry about it.”
But I didn’t mean it. It was a
problem, and I was plentyrule that you do not put anything
out until the Friday after
Thanksgiving. With “holiday
creep” continually pushing
retailers to put Halloween items
out in August, I am appalled that
my neighbors began setting up
their Christmas decorations the
first weekend of November.
I want to give them a friendly
note to wait until a more
appropriate time. At this point,
I’m subjected to three months, vs.
two, of their display, and it
encroaches on my Thanksgiving.
Grrrrrr.The thing to remember about
neighbors is that they know
where you live. Therefore, you
should confine your growling to
matters of greater consequence.then — silver tea caddies came
with locks — so the gesture
became associated with the rich.
And pretentiousness has always
been associated with the rich,
although Miss Manners has also
noticed examples elsewhere.
When tea came down in price,
and some genius thought of
putting handles on teacups, the
pinkie gesture became obsolete.
But to Miss Manners’
amusement, the gesture has
lasted for centuries as a sign of
how ridiculous the rich are.Dear Miss Manners: I would
appreciate your point of view on
when Christmas decorations
should begin appearing in front
yards.
I grew up with an unwrittenwhile holding the cup handle, or
should you raise your pinkie
finger in a curled position? I was
told the latter was pretentious.
I therefore simply hold the
handle between my thumb and
forefinger and relax the other
three digits next to them. Would
the queen approve?If you are referring to the Queen
of England, let us not bother her.
She has enough family troubles.
The raised pinkie was a
precaution when tea-drinking
first spread to Europe from
China, because it was drunk from
thin Chinese handle-less cups
that held the heat and therefore
needed to be gripped with as few
fingers as possible.
Tea was extremely expensiveDear Miss
Manners: I’m
invited to
Thanksgiving
dinner with the in-
laws of my
daughter. Is it
rude to take my
own to-go
container to bring
home leftovers?
And a burlap bag in which to
take home the silverware when
they are finished using it?
Dear Miss Manners: I am
hoping you could settle a minor
matter regarding the proper way
of drinking tea.
When one is holding a teacup,
is it proper to relax your fingers
Can I b ring a t o-go container to Thanksgiving dinner with daughter’s in-laws?
Miss
Manners
JUDITH
MARTIN,
NICHOLAS
MARTIN AND
JACOBINA
MARTIN
some time with them and host
them for a few meals.Dear Amy: Responding to
“Overwhelmed,” who was
struggling with cleaning out
their mother’s apartment, when
my father died, my sister and I
took the things that were
sentimental and/or useful.
Then the church ladies had a
whole-house sale.
It took three days, and it was
a happy event for them.
They kept all of the proceeds,
and the only condition was that
the house would be left totally
empty.
— DownsizedDownsized: This is brilliant!Amy’s column appears seven days a
week at washingtonpost.com/advice.
Write to [email protected]
or Amy Dickinson, P.O. Box 194,
Freeville, N.Y. 13068. You can
also follow her @askingamy.
© 2 021 by Amy Dickinson distributed by
Tribune Content AgencyHow would you respond to
family members who imply that
we’d be coldhearted to turn the
would-be guests down?
— Touchy SituationTouchy: For people who have
taken a tough stance, you and
your wife seem especially
vulnerable to the opinions of
others.
I don’t know of many
households that can easily
accommodate a family of six for
several days.
Regardless of your capacities,
you are unwilling to host this
family.
You don’t need to supply
reasons.
You don’t need to explain
yourself.
You do need to be willing to
appear inflexible or ungenerous
to those who will judge your
choice.
If the family wants to visit
your town, you could research
nearby short-term rental homes.
It would be kind of you to spendus as house guests while visiting
our area.
This particular family
chooses to live in squalid
conditions.
They have four small children
whose manners and behavior
are also very challenging.
We don’t believe this family
will transform the moment they
cross our doorstep.
Others say we should accept
hosting them. The theme seems
to be that we should make the
sacrifice and put up with
painful house guests, because
that is just what you do when it
is your flesh and blood.
My position is that it’s unfair
to make us the bad guys for
wanting to spare ourselves the
trial of hosting these folks in
our home.
Envision being trapped in the
role of manners cop/maid
service for several days! What I
see here is a recipe for
resentment — definitely ours
and probably theirs, too.
What are our options?words, or the wherewithal, to
pierce your family’s beautiful
facade to describe their own
experiences and feelings.
They might have had a
traumatic experience with a
neighbor, a family member or
kids at school. They might have
felt afraid, lonely or harshly
judged.
Parents need to make sure
their children understand that
they can fail, and fall, and have
problems — because that’s what
it means to be human.
This is a humbling experience
for you. I suggest you start
framing your concern toward
them, personally — vs. the
impact on you — and offer to
enter therapy with each, as soon
as they are ready.Dear Amy: My wife and I keep
an immaculate home. It is our
sanctuary!
We live in a different state
from the majority of our family.
My cousins have made it known
that they anticipate staying witha reason for her attitude.
She is the mother to our only
grandchildren, whom we adore.
Could her father and I have
gotten it so wrong?
I’m beyond devastated.
Thoughts?
— Totally Confused MomMom: Something seems to be
amiss in your ideal family, but
your angry daughters are not
ready — or willing — to
illuminate things for you.
You say the daughter who
reports childhood trauma
cannot give you an example of
what she is referring to.
I say she is not ready. This
could be because you and your
husband have a habit of
denying problems, explaining
things away or glossing things
over.
Your other daughter is
disrespectful and dismissive but
refuses to explain why.
You are expecting both
daughters to explain themselves
to you, but they might lack theDear Amy: My
husband and I
have been
married for 40
years.
We have two daughters in
their 30s.
I happily was a stay-at-home
mom, and my husband was a
physician. Although busy, he
and I never missed a sporting or
school event that our daughters
participated in.
We traveled, gave them every
opportunity in life, and they
had a wonderful childhood.
Or so we thought.
My youngest informed me
last night that she had some
“childhood trauma” (she
couldn’t give me an example)
that she is going into therapy
for.
She also informed me that
her older sister told her that she
had a horrible childhood.
My oldest has in the past
been very disrespectful and
dismissive of both my husband
and me. She has never provided
Mother is devastated by daughters saying their childhood was traumatic
Ask Amy
AMY
DICKINSON
ness standpoint, we all under-
stand that documentary and
unscripted content is popular
now because it’s affordable. Net-
works who are desperate for
content can get a lot of it for
less,” he said. Second, as a
natural result of a bigger, more
varied pool of documentary
projects that viewers can watch
and usually stream any time at
home, “more people are going to
love and appreciate the genre.”Third “is just technology it-
self and the kind of pervasive
use of social media,” he said.
“People can really congregate
around something.”
The trend also includes docu-
mentaries such as 2019’s “Leav-
ing Neverland” and this year’s
“Allen v. Farrow,” both airing on
HBO, which delved more deeply
into the long-standing sexual
abuse allegations against pop
singer Michael Jackson and leg-
endary film director Woody Al-
len, respectively. The projects
incited reevaluations of their
subjects and their entire bodies
of work.
Dretzin and Bertelsen realize,
of course, that the flurry of
highly consequential nonfiction
projects could raise the stakes
for documentarians in the fu-
ture. “It’s very competitive. The
stuff that tends to sell, the stuff
that’s really going to pop, is
going to break news,” Dretzin
said. “There is a kind of sweet
spot for content that taps into a
subject that’s familiar in a new,
unfamiliar way, with new infor-
mation.”
The effect of “Who Killed
Malcolm X?” may also raise the
stakes for its two filmmakers.
“Having worked on a piece
like this — where it felt like it
really matters, like we really
have the ability to make a
difference — I think my patience
for projects that don’t feel that
way is just going to get shorter
and shorter,” Dretzin said with a
laugh. “My bar’s just going to be
that much higher about taking
on projects that I really care
about, in one way or another.”
[email protected]Bertelsen has a trifurcated
theory for how unscripted proj-
ects came to exert so much
influence. First: “From a busi-ty unit at the Manhattan D.A.’s
Office.” (Shabazz denied he
killed Malcolm X, and his lawyer
has denied it as well.)those who didn’t kill Malcolm,”
Bertelsen said. “That’s when it
occurred to us to file this peti-
tion with the conviction integri-X?” the following year, with
Muhammad’s research heavily
informing the documentary’s di-
rection.
The series was in production
in 2019, during the Kelly saga;
the construction of the docu-
mentary-to-courtroom pipeline
was underway. Still, Dretzin
said, “I don’t think it occurred to
me personally, that early, that
they might actually reopen this
case.”
The filmmakers were initially
focused on the man many sus-
pect actually did assassinate
Malcolm X: Al-Mustafa Shabazz,
also known as William Bradley.
“That was really our focus, ex-
posing him and trying to get to
the bottom of that rumor,” Ber-
telsen said.
They changed course, though,
after he died in 2018. “We kind
of realigned our intention to“The Jinx,” HBO’s 2015 series
about Robert Durst, who has
been accused of committing
three murders, revealed footage
of the real estate heir appearing
to confess. Prosecutors quoted
that footage in the opening
statements of his ensuing trial,
and Durst was convicted in
September of the first-degree
murder of a close confidante. (In
October, just after being sen-
tenced to life in prison without
parole, he was charged with
murder in connection with the
1982 death of his first wife. In
2003, Durst was acquitted
for the 2001 killing of his neigh-
bor.)
Later came Lifetime’s 2019
project “Surviving R. Kelly,”
which featured disturbing testi-
mony from women who accused
the singer of sexual and emo-
tional abuse, including several
who became sexually involved
with Kelly when they were un-
derage. Months later, Kelly was
charged, and in September, a
jury in New York found Kelly
guilty on nine federal sex traf-
ficking and racketeering charg-
es.
February’s “Framing Britney
Spears,” an episode of the docu-
mentary series “The New York
Times Presents” released by
Hulu and FX, brought to light
details of the unusual conserva-
torship arrangement that had
quietly held the titular pop
singer under the control of her
father and various other conser-
vators for more than a decade.
The ensuing publicity — and a
wave other Spears-related docu-
mentaries — helped bring about
the termination of the conserva-
torship earlier this month.
And last week, Oklahoma
Gov. Kevin Stitt (R) commuted
the death sentence of 41-year-
old Julius Jones, who spent
nearly 20 years on death row for
the shooting of an Oklahoma
City businessman and would
have faced execution soon.
Jones’s case was featured in the
2018 ABC docuseries “The Last
Defense,” executive produced by
the Oscar-winning actress Viola
Davis, and Jones soon could
count celebrities such as Kim
Kardashian West and Cleveland
Browns quarterback Baker May-
field among the many vocal
defenders of his innocence.
The Malcolm X filmmakers
Dretzin and Bertelsen began
their project in 2017, when they
met Abdur-Rahman Muham-
mad, an independent scholar
who had been researching Mal-
colm X and his death for more
than a decade. They started
filming “Who Killed Malcolm
DOCUMENTARIES FROM C1
A new era for documentaries a s narratives inspire action
RICHARD DREW/ASSOCIATED PRESSSETH WENIG/ASSOCIATED PRESSTOP: Demonstrators attend a n
R. Kelly protest i n 2 019 after
the airing of “ Surviving R.
Kelly.” RIGHT: Muhammad
Aziz, left, stands w ith journalist
Abdur-Rahman Muhammad
on Thursday after Aziz’s
conviction in the killing of
Malcolm X was vacated.“There is a kind ofsweet spot for contentthat taps into a subjectthat’s familiar in a new,unfamiliar way, withnew information.”
Rachel Dretzin, filmmaker