30 The View is reported by Leslie Dickstein, Mariah Espada and Olivia B. Waxman
THE VIEW OPENER
I had read that an epidural during
labor could lead to permanent damage
for symphysis pubis dysfunction suf-
ferers, because losing sensation and
control of the legs could mean they’d
be manipulated beyond their range of
motion. This was largely anecdotal.
Still, I refused the epidural until I
was delirious with pain, imagining I
could claw out of my body, though I
was tethered to the bed, to the fetal-
monitoring machine, to my baby,
whom it would take me an hour and
a half to push out, through the terror
that I might fail her in my first attempt
to protect her. After almost 24 hours
of labor, my daughter was born.
For the first week, all she did was
sleep and eat. Six to eight hours a day
attached to my nipples, the sensitive
skin cracked and bleeding. Each time
my milk let down, my uterus con-
tracted, triggering a rush of blood that
soaked the hospital pads I’d brought
home. I never felt clean. There was no
time to shower. I was sore and swol-
len, a stranger in my own body.
At times things felt blissful. We
were cocooned, the three of us, and
the cocoon was quiet and warm. Then
our daughter woke up. She grunted
and writhed. Her belly was hard and
distended. She yowled like a suffer-
ing animal. Three weeks in, she was
diagnosed with cow’s milk protein in-
tolerance, which causes extreme gas-
trointestinal pain and required me to
cut anything with lactose, whey, ca-
sein or soy from my diet. (That, or buy
hypoallergenic formula for upward
of $300 per month.) It would take at
least another three weeks for the pro-
teins to leave her system.
I hardly slept. I lay in bed with a
mind full of dark imaginings. I could
drop her, her soft skull opening
against the hard floor. I could forget
her in the car on a hot day. I could be
putting her in the car seat and some-
one could bash me over the head and
take her. I read about babies who died
of cancer, babies who stopped breath-
ing. I wept while she and my husband
slept. I had to stay awake, I thought. I
had to think of everything that could
go wrong in order to prevent it.
That’s where I was at four weeks
postpartum: sleepless, bleeding, so
The author with her daughter, 12 days after giving birth, in April 2018desperately in love and hormonally out
of whack that all I could think about
was my baby dying. And I was lucky. I
did not get an episiotomy or a C-section.
I suffered no infections. I birthed a
healthy child with a manageable allergy.
I was a writer who worked from home.
My husband, who is self- employed,
could stay home with me. Our leave
wasn’t paid—it wasn’t even leave, ex-
actly, but a semi- continuation of our
work lives. Still, we could be home to-
gether. Most new parents do not have
this option. In 2020, only about 20%
of private- sector workers—and 8% of
those in the bottom wage quartile—had
access to paid family leave.House Democrats Have put four
weeks of paid family and medical
leave back into their Build Back Better
Act, down from the 12 originally pro-
posed by the Biden Administration,
yet we are waiting to see if Congress
will pass any paid leave at all. The U.S.
is one of only six countries—and the
only wealthy country—in the world
without any nationally mandated paid
leave. The New York Times reported
that globally the average paid mater-
nity leave is 29 weeks, and the average
paid paternity leave is 16 weeks. Of
the 186 countries that offer paid leave
for birthing people, only one offersfewer than four weeks. Many day cares
won’t even take babies before 6 weeks.
Even with all my advantages, I would
not have been physically, intellectually
or emotionally equipped to return to
an office so soon after giving birth.
In September 2020, I gave birth
to our second child. My recovery was
similar to the first time, with excep-
tions: I bled for three months instead
of six weeks, had a 2½-year-old who
needed me, and it was the middle of a
pandemic. Again, I was lucky: I sold a
novel a week after my son was born. I
had the comfort of knowing part of my
advance was imminent. But it would
still be 14 months before our baby
consistently slept through the night.
It is critical that birthing parents
get to recover before returning to
work, but it’s also important that all
new parents have the chance to care
for the newest members of their fami-
lies. These should not be privileges
afforded only to those with means or
flexible jobs or employers whose poli-
cies allow it. Paid family leave is not
a luxury or a vacation. It is, on top of
being economically smart, a moral
imperative.
And four weeks is not enough.Gutierrez is the author of the forthcoming
novel More Than You’ll Ever Know