4 DECEMBER 12, 2021 THE WASHINGTON POST MAGAZINE 5
This page clockwise
from top: Jeff Wertz,
Ken Matuszak and
Randy Wheelock visit
a reindeer during
Santa Claus School;
one student gets into
the holiday spirit,
down to his shoes;
Robert and Debbie
Auer turn in for the
night. Photographs by
Nic AntayaThis page clockwise
from left: Students
listen to a lecture at
Santa Claus School.
Participants relax
outside during a f ield
trip to Bronner’s
Christmas
Wonderland, a re tail
store i n
Frankenmuth, Mich.
The class learns sign
language.Auer of Pelham, Ala., “because you’re taking their business away
or they’re taking business away from you.” At Santa school in
Midland, everybody — teachers and students alike — seemed
willing to share tips. “I’m telling you,” he said, “there wasn’t a bad
Santa in the bunch.”
Auer admitted he was nervous about chatting up fellow Santa
students, many of whom attend the program every year and knew
one another. Then Holly Valent, resplendent in a red crushed
velvet gown trimmed with cottony white cuffs and a matching
shawl, strode onstage as Mrs. Claus and asked to be serenaded.
Some 200 people stood obediently and erupted in unison into a
rendition of “Jingle Bells” so gleeful and on-key that it seemed
like a recording. But, no, as with most of the chest-length beards
and bellies like bowlfuls of jelly, it was real. “I looked around this
room and I didn’t see anybody not singing,” Auer said. “And it
was really pure joy.” In other words, the true spirit of Christmas.Steve Friess is a writer in Detroit.you last year for Christmas?’ And she looked so surprised, like,
Wait a minute, this guy might be the real thing.”
Most Santas and Mrs. Clauses say they aren’t in it for the
money, but a few school attendees are smitten not only by the
holiday spirit but also by rumors — unconfirmed — that some
classmates bank six-figure sums each season. Michael Godfrey of
Pahoa, Hawaii, at 38 the youngest participant, said his mother
often told him that he looks like Santa (he’s stocky but neither
silver-haired nor particularly full-bearded) and that he should
give it a try. “I’ve done all sorts of things: computer engineering,
delivery driver, taxi driver, always low jobs that just never really
went anywhere,” Godfrey told me. “There’s a lot of potential in
being a professional Santa. A starting Santa can make $25 to $
an hour depending on where they work.” (Valent says he doesn’t
know anyone getting rich off being Santa.)
As with any meetup of like-minded hobbyists, the
camaraderie is as important as what’s on the official agenda.
Local Santas can often be unfriendly to one another, said Robertretain a properly husky voice with cayenne-spiked hot tea as the
peak season progresses. A pair of nurses stopped by to talk about
staying healthy with exercise (“What do you call a Santa that
doesn’t move? Santa Pause!”) and nutrition. A marketing guru
seemed to draw the most interest with a suggestion that Santas
persuade stores to set up thrones for photo opportunities in the
parking lot since pandemic-cautious families don’t pile into malls
like they used to.
There’s no such concern, obviously, with virtual Santa visits,
which are now so popular that speakers mentioned websites like
Hire Santa, Santa’s Club, JingleRing and Talk to Santa. Beurer,
who co-presented a session on that business model, said he did
350 home visits via Zoom last year. Often, he chats with the
parents beforehand to learn details about the children, then can
wow them in ways he couldn’t at a public appearance.
“ In one case, the big sister was starting not to believe in
Santa,” Beurer said, “so the parents gave me information on her
and I said, ‘Olivia, how did you like the cosmetic stuff I broughtthrone bellowing “ho, ho, ho” and asking kids if they’ve been good
all year. Yet the attendees — who paid $500 in tuition per person
— soak up a litany of fun facts about the St. Nicholas legend as
well as pro tips on marketing, physical conditioning, costuming
and tactics for answering tricky questions hurled at them by
inquisitive youngsters and troublemaking adults.
T he key is answering inquiries with plausible fibs that don’t
ruin the Santa myth. “I’m a professional liar,” Michael Beurer,
who was set to appear as Santa in the Dec. 4 Christmas parade in
Pontiac, Mich., said with a chuckle. “Sometimes a kid will test me
by asking if I know his address to deliver his gifts, and what I do
is I start rattling off coordinates — 25 degrees north, 44 degrees
west, whatever — and they say, ‘No, I live at this address,’ and I
say, ‘But I’m giving you the coordinates from the air.’ ”
The sheer breadth of the curriculum, taught by volunteer staff
including the Valents, is impressive. (Tuition, Tom Valent says,
pays for facilities, catering and transportation for field trips
throughout the weekend.) A voice teacher explained how to