APRIL 8
Sometimes, with the best of intentions, friends don’t know
how to help. They may feel that to bring up the subject of
our loss is to risk making us feel worse, so they avoid it and
talk of other things while the presence of the unspoken builds
up to an almost intolerable pressure.
—MARTHA WHITMORE
HICKMANWe are at a small gathering of friends who are chatting about
their own and one another’s lives—but it is as though the
subject of our own loss and grief is out of bounds. Everyone
knows of it, everyone cares, but no one speaks of it. And,
sensing that we would be violating some unspoken taboo,
neither do we.
Sound familiar? There may be times when the best re-
course is to go along with casual conversation, surviving as
best we can. But sometimes, if these are close friends, it’s
best to break the bubble of camouflage and say, “I need to
talk about what’s going on with me.”
Usually the tension will break, there will be an immediate
sense of support, and relief, and the question “How are
you?” will be a real invitation to tell the truth. We will feel
the tension of unexpressed grief move—figuratively, at
least—from our body into the welcoming arms of friends
who love us but don’t know what to do.
When I risk telling who I am, I give a gift to myself and to my
friends.