JULY 31
Pain—has an Element of Blank—
It cannot recollect
When it began—or if there were
A time when it was not—
—EMILY DICKINSONWhen we are suffering intense grief, it is almost hard to re-
member what it felt like to be happy. Particularly when loss
comes suddenly, it is as though we have been shunted into
a different world where nothing has the same meaning it
had before. In fact, we are startled, offended almost, that
people seem to be conducting business as usual.
I recall going to the dentist soon after my daughter’s death
and hearing almost with incredulity the banal chitchat of
people in the waiting room. How could they? Didn’t they know?
Of course, we will not always be at this point of Altered
Reality. We will, in time, incorporate our loss into our lives
so that it is part of the daily background of living. Though
it is sad, it doesn’t shock and startle us with each new day.
And maybe our initial inability to remember how it felt
to be happy was for the good after all—the contrast would
have been too painful. Besides, we needed to give our atten-
tion to what was going on where we were.
I will be present to the moment as each day unfolds.