NOVEMBER 5
While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates.
—JAMES BOSWELLIt is probably well-meaning—this attempt to help a mourner
“think of something else,” “get your mind off it.” As though
we could think of something else, when grief is fresh. The
well-meaning attempt may also be the comforter’s uneasi-
ness about what to say. Never mind that a supportive
listening presence is more important than “the right words.”
But for the mourner this attempt to divert us can be agon-
izing. We may feel a kind of panic, as though the person we
are speaking with is not connecting, is glancing off at the
wings while the main act is being totally ignored. Yet we
want to be polite; we know the person is trying to be helpful.
So we nod, and smile, and feel an emptiness within, knowing
it is costing us valuable energy to maintain this farce.
What to do? Maybe we can steer the conversation around
to what is really on both our minds. If not, it’s probably
better to let the situation run its course. Someone more un-
derstanding may come along soon. And at least we’ll know
what to do when it becomes our turn to be the comforter.
May I bear lightly the words of the well-meaning but inept. They
are probably doing their best.