DECEMBER 5
What we call mourning for our dead is perhaps not so much
grief at not being able to call them back as it is grief at not
being able to want to do so.
—THOMAS MANNThese are hard words when we are struggling with all the
feelings that go with the loss of a loved one. The suggestion
that there are pluses to his or her being gone may be offens-
ive in the extreme. But what Mann is talking about is the
ambivalence that attends any relationship, even the most
cherished and loving.
Does this mean we didn’t love the person? No! Or that,
if he or she could be well and able, in the balance we
wouldn’t want him or her back? In most cases, no. (The
person might not want to come back, either!) It means that
the equations of human relationships are wonderfully
complex—as we know when we take an honest look in the
mirror.
To love someone profoundly is to know that person in his or her
weakness and strength.