Y
es, yes, I know, I know. Crusader Kings III
is a game that practically begs you to be
cruel, self-serving and just generally evil.
But I’m going to lean hard into the
alternate history angle, and try to avoid
falling over. What if, unlike the real medieval leaders, I
really was a king that had everybody else’s best
interests at heart? Was all that aggression and
backstabbing really necessary in the grand scheme of
things? Can’t we all just get along?I decide to jump into the Anglo-Saxon shoes of King
Harold II. Taking stock of my situation, I realise that I
haven’t exactly made things easy for myself. I’m already at
war with both King Harald IV, and Duke William II ‘the
Bastard’. In terms of family, my parents had eight children
including me, because
Netflix hasn’t been
invented yet. My brother
Tostig hates me so much
that he’s my nemesis. He’s
clearly far beyond my
powers of persuasion,
which makes me very sad.
My mother, I’m
shocked to find, has a
slightly negative opinion of
me. I don’t have this
problem with my dad although this is, admittedly, because
he’s dead. What to do? I turn to the church’s teachings,
something that I’ll be doing a lot of in my mission to be
pious and just. It’s right there in the ten commandments,
innit? Honour thy father and thy mother. So I honour her
with some cash, and thankfully, she’s shallow enough for
this to make her (very slightly) love me again.
I’m under attack from powerful armies, I’m living in a
world of greedy, violent monarchs, and I want to be sure
that I always make noble decisions. I need God on my
side. Therefore, I go for a Learning lifestyle, and start
building up the Theology tree straight away. Next, I check
out my relationship with the pope, Robin to God’s
Batman. He has a very slightly negative opinion of me.That won’t do at all! I start a scheme to sway him, hoping
to help him appreciate my many lovely qualities.GOD MORNING BRITAIN
I hope my plan to get God fighting in my corner works
out, because things start to go downhill. You know, even
more than they already were. I discover that half my
council hates me, and four enemy allies jump into the war
in quick succession. Worse than all of that – much, much
worse – I discover that I am cheating on my wife. I have
become that which I hate the most, an unchivalrous cad!
The first I hear of my unfaithfulness is when one of my
vassals tries to blackmail me over it.
I decide to make the best of a bad situation, refuse the
blackmail, and come clean. I’ll be best mates with the
pope soon anyway, loads of forgiveness points in the bank
for that. Therefore, my
affair is exposed, my wife’s
opinion of me plummets an
understandable amount,
and my devotion level
drops because I gain the
trait ‘adulterer’. Wait, I
didn’t already have that?
It’s only adultery if you get
caught? I guess this is an
educational game after all. I
do manage to scrape
together the shards of my reputation by immediately
leaving my lover for my wife, who seems to forgive me
instantly. I love that woman.
More bad news, as I am informed that my primary heir
is not of my dynasty. Before I can try to make sense of
this, Aeldgyth (I congratulate myself on finally
remembering the name of my wife) announces that she is
pregnant. I guess she really did forgive me. Nine months
or so later, our son Eustace pops out. We add him to the
pile of children, now numbering six.
There’s little time for celebration though, as the
invading armies – vastly superior to my own – are making
huge gains. But wait! The pope is finally swayed, and now
has a healthily positive opinion of me. Huzzah! Now I canTHE RULES
1
Strive to be noble
and just in all
decisions.
2
Treat everybody I
come across with
civility and respect.
3
Punish any and all
un-chivalric
behaviour with
appropriate zeal.
I HOPE MY PLAN TO
GET GOD FIGHTING
IN MY CORNER
WORKS OUT
She’s made me a
happy old man.CHRISTMAS 2020 109EXTRA LIFE
DIARY (^) I MOD SPOTLIGHT I REINSTALL I WHY I LOVE
109
Once upon a time,
England was here.