RIGHT: The face of a
man that knows a fish
is coming.DREAM OBJECTS
Stuff I’d love to maim with
Here are just a few of
the objects you can
seriously harm
someone with in the
recent Hitman games:
a blueberry muffin, a cannonball, a
cheeseburger, a feather duster, a
frying pan, a bone (the meat still
on), a snow globe, driftwood, a
cowboy bust, a bag of sugar, a wet
floor notice, an android arm, a dead
fish, a didgeridoo, a Maori paddle,
and the classic, everlasting brick.
Remember, we’re just scratching
the surface of smack-a-dude tech.
When you get to expired-can-of-
spaghetti levels of blunt force
trauma, you’ll know you’re playing
Hitman for real.I’ve yet to see what Hitman 3 adds to
the mix, but in catching up on the
Hitman 2 DLC levels before
wrapping the trilogy, I fell into an
inescapable vortex of desire, the
desire to bash people over the head
with everything I possibly could. I’ve
gotta smash ’em all, and there are so
many good things to smash ’em with.
But let’s examine the act of
bashing someone over the head with
A Thing first. IO figured out how to
make it feel good and precise without
indulging in wild knockout
animations or burdening the player
with the need for a perfect setup and
execution. When you move to knock
someone out with a blunt object,
Agent 47 either bops them over the
head if they’re close, or hits them
from across the room with the aim
and velocity of an MLB pitcher.
When the rotating aiming reticle
pops up and locks onto an enemy’s
head, so long as the cursor is within a
couple feet of their skull, and the arc
projects the object’s journey – that’s
the moment Hitman hands you a 20
dollar bill and says get yourself a
treat, have some fun, I’m just a damnvideogame. Agent 47 wouldn’t miss,
so neither will you. He never smiles
either, but the arc every object travels
on from 47’s abyssal pockets to some
dope’s dome forms a big grin from
some angle. I mean, here’s an austere
meat machine born to kill pulling a
ceramic cowboy bust, a banana, and a
pool ball from his pockets and
knocking out three trained
mercenaries in under two seconds.
Watch them as they fall, folding over
like parade balloons. It’s pure
videogame slapstick.OBJECTIFICATION
I’m always hoarding objects, walking
around with eight gold bars, three
wrenches, a couple muffins, and
whatever else Agent Roomba hoovers
up just in case I need to put a room
to sleep with some explosive juggling.
I like to imagine Agent 47, total
confidence and assertion in his
perfectly measured gait, walking
around a secret island resort for rich
criminals with bananas, ancient
burial knives, and Fabergé eggsNEED TO KNOW
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hitman.comspilling out of his cargo shorts. Well
hello, Agent 47. Is that an auto shop in
your pants or are you just happy to see
me? There’s no avoiding the physical
comedy meta either: your most
essential tools often double as melee
weapons. They’re great panic
buttons, especially if someone catches
you loosening a valve with one. But I
look at wrenches differently now, and
that’s a problem. I perceive all
plumbers as threats.
Even if most of Hitman’s blunt
objects function similarly, they each
carry immense thematic weight.
There’s not a single target that can
avoid my desire to knock them out
with something perfectly ironic,
which has evolved into its own list of
personal, vindictive objectives for me.
Sometimes you’ll get a nod in the
massive list of challenges associated
with each mission, but I love how I’m
intrinsically compelled to bash my
targets over the head with something
thematically appropriate, even
without the guiding hand of an overt
mission objective. I took out
Milton-Fitzpatrick Bank CEO Athena
Savalas with a gold bar, of course.
Druglord Rico Delgado went downwith a cocaine brick. Each implement
must be joined with the head of a
given monster with the utmost care
and consideration (for how much it’s
going to make you laugh).
Hitman’s head-bashing mechanics
aren’t complex. They’re nothing new
in videogames, violent verbs from the
earliest days of PC gaming. But
they’re a perfect example of how
visual and thematic variety can give
the impression of many possibilities,
even if the only possibilities are to
concuss professional bodyguards and
elite criminals. I can’t wait to see
what everyday objects I can take out
the worst people alive with when I
finally get started with Hitman 3.I LOOK AT WRENCHES
DIFFERENTLY NOW. I PERCEIVE
ALL PLUMBERS AS THREATSGAMING KEYBOARD
It leaves Alt+F4 imprinted on
their forehead.
JAR OF PENNIES
River City Ransom vibes.
AUTOPSY REPORT
The clipboard is super, super heavy.
NOVELTY HULK HANDS
Just imagine 47 saying
“Hulk smash”.
HITMAN ACTION FIGURE
It’s not a toy, dammit!
GAMING PC
Talk about a hard reset.
THEIR OWN FIST
Stop hitting yourself!
A 3D PRINTER
When you need a hammer five
hours from now.
AN OSMIUM PELLET
Heavy metal, man.EXTRA LIFE
DIARY I MOD SPOTLIGHT I REINSTALL I WHY I LOVE