Joe, 29: “When I was growing up, my father constantly told me not to
rely on anyone. He said it so many times it became a mantra in my
head: ‘You can only count on yourself!’ I never disputed its truth until I
first went to therapy. ‘Relationships? Who needs them?’ I told my
shrink. ‘Why would I waste my time being with someone when I can
only count on myself.’ My therapist opened my eyes. ‘That’s nonsense!’
he said, ‘Of course you can—and should—count on other people, you
do it all the time anyway. We all do.’ It was one of those white-light
moments. I could see that he was right. What a huge relief it was to let
go of such an obsessive notion that set me apart from the rest of the
world.”
Joe’s belief in self-reliance—and his experience of feeling alone
because of it—isn’t unique to him. Studies show that belief in self-
reliance is very closely linked with a low degree of comfort with
intimacy and closeness. Although avoidant individuals were found to
have a great deal of confidence about not needing anyone else, their
belief came with a price tag: They scored lowest on every measure of
closeness in personal relationships. They were less willing to engage
in self-disclosure, less comfortable with intimacy, and also less likely to
seek help from others.
As is evident in Joe’s account, a strong belief in self-reliance can be
more of a burden than an asset. In romantic relationships, it reduces
your ability to be close, to share intimate information, and to be in tune
with your partner. Many avoidants confuse self-reliance with
independence. Even though it’s important for each of us to be able to
stand on our own two feet, if we overrate self-reliance, we diminish the
importance of getting support from other people, thus cutting ourselves
off from an important lifeline.
Another problem with self-reliance is the “self ” part. It forces you to
ignore the needs of your partner and concentrate only on your own
needs, shortchanging you of one of the most rewarding human
experiences: It prevents you (and the person you love) from the joy of
feeling part of something bigger than yourself.
Seeing the Worm Instead of the Apple