Marsha and Craig’s story exemplifies how bad an anxious-avoidant
trap can become. Craig didn’t feel comfortable with too much intimacy,
so he missed no opportunity to put up emotional barriers between
himself and Marsha—creating uncertainty at the beginning of their
relationship, keeping their status unclear, having to be “pushed” into
marriage, belittling her, avoiding sex, and using numerous other
deactivating strategies. Clearly he possesses an avoidant attachment
style. Marsha has an anxious attachment style. She longed to be close
to Craig, she was the driving force behind their marriage, and she was
preoccupied with the relationship—initially she cried every day
because of his behavior, a form of preoccupation, and later she
constantly thought of divorce, another way to focus on the relationship.
In a typically anxious manner, she fluctuated from highs to lows,
depending on the signals from Craig, and resorted to protest behavior
(threatening to leave but never actually following through). Her
attachment system remained chronically activated, at least during the
first few years—before she became indifferent to him.
It is evident that each side had very different needs in the
relationship, resulting in a continuous clash. Craig’s need was to keep
his distance and Marsha’s was to get closer. Craig’s inflated self-
esteem (an avoidant characteristic) fed off Marsha’s increasing self-
doubt (an anxious characteristic). But there were also endearing
moments between them that made it difficult for her to leave. For
example, Craig sometimes knew how to be very affectionate and
loving and how to soothe Marsha when things got to be too much (even
though usually they got to be too much because of him!). Yet every
instance of their closeness was followed by his distancing, which is
typical of anxious-avoidant relationships.

A WORD ABOUT SEX

Note Marsha’s statement that Craig was “the least sexual person I ever
dated.” Avoidants often use sex to distance themselves from their
partner. It doesn’t necessarily mean they will cheat on their partner,