Attached

(lily) #1
up to friends and family about what your relationship is
really like. This will rekindle friendships you might have
neglected due to shame or plain misery, and will also
prepare them to help you when you make your move
(see how in strategy 7).


  1. Find a comforting, supportive place to stay for the
    first few nights. You’ll need all the support you can get
    at first. The temptation to rebound is very strong.
    Parents, siblings, or your closest friends can help you
    control that urge.

  2. Get your attachment needs met in other ways.
    Recruit support from the people closest to you and seek
    diversions like a massage, plenty of exercise, and
    comforting, healthy food. The more you are able to quiet
    down your attachment system, the less painful the
    separation will be.

  3. Don’t be ashamed if you slip up and go back to
    “the scene of the crime.” Obviously you’re better off
    not reestablishing contact with your ex, but if you end up
    doing so, don’t beat yourself up. It is very important that
    you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel
    about yourself, the more you’ll want to go back to the
    false safety of the bad relationship you were in. Your
    attachment system gets activated more when you feel
    bad about yourself and an activated attachment system
    means wanting to renew contact even more.

  4. If you’re having a hard time, don’t feel guilty.
    Remember, the pain is real! Friends might urge you to
    forget about your ex, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and
    move on quickly. But we know that the pain you’re feeling
    is real, so don’t deny it. Instead, be kind to yourself and
    find ways to pamper your body and soul. You would if
    you had a broken leg!

  5. When you get flooded with positive memories, ask
    a close friend for a reality check. Remind yourself that

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