Laboratory at the University of Virginia. He investigates the
mechanisms through which close social relationships and broader
social networks regulate our emotional responses. In this particular
study, which he conducted in collaboration with Richard Davidson and
Hillary Schaefer, he used functional MRI technology to scan the brains
of married women. While these women were being scanned, Dr. Coan
and his colleagues simulated a stressful situation by telling them that
they were about to receive a very mild electric shock.
Normally, under stressful conditions the hypothalamus becomes
activated. And indeed this is what happened in the experiment to the
women when they were alone awaiting the shock—their hypothalamus
lit up. Next, they tested the women who were holding a stranger’s hand
while they waited. This time the scans showed somewhat reduced
activity in the hypothalamus. And when the hand that the women held
was their husband’s? The dip was much more dramatic—their stress
was barely detectable. Furthermore, the women who benefited most
from spousal hand-holding were those who reported the highest
marital satisfaction—but we’ll get back to this point later.
The study demonstrates that when two people form an intimate
relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional
well-being. Their physical proximity and availability influence the stress
response. How can we be expected to maintain a high level of
differentiation between ourselves and our partners if our basic biology
is influenced by them to such an extent?
It seems that Karen from our example instinctively understood the
healing effect of holding her partner’s hand under stressful conditions.
Unfortunately, she later gave in to common misconceptions and
viewed her instinct as a weakness, something to be ashamed of.

THE “DEPENDENCY PARADOX”

Well before brain imaging technology was developed, John Bowlby
understood that our need for someone to share our lives with is part of
our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love