Score of 23 or above for group C: Your partner/date has an
anxious attachment style. This is not necessarily a bad thing as long as
you take the trouble to get into his or her mind-set. Someone with an
anxious attachment style craves intimacy but is also very sensitive to
even the smallest of perceived threats to this closeness. Sometimes
they’ll interpret your unconscious actions as a threat to the relationship.
When this happens, they become flooded with apprehension, but they
lack the skills to communicate their distress to you effectively. Instead,
they resort to a lot of acting out and drama. This can create a vicious
cycle as they become even more sensitive to slights and their distress
is compounded. This does sound daunting, but before you call it quits,
it is important to know that if you’re sensitive and nurturing enough to
calm their fears—which is very doable—you will win a greatly loving
and devoted partner. Once you are receptive to their basic needs for
warmth and security, their sensitivity can become an asset; they’ll be
very much in tune with your wants and will be helpful and dedicated.
What’s more, they will also gradually learn how to communicate their
fears and emotions better and you will need to second-guess them
less and less.
THE GOLDEN RULES FOR DECIPHERING
ATTACHMENT STYLES
If you’re still in doubt, here are what we call the five Golden Rules to
help you home in on his or her attachment style:
- Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.
This is the number-one question to ask yourself about your partner.
All other attachment traits and behaviors stem from this one overriding
issue. If the answer is no, you can be pretty sure your partner/date has
an avoidant attachment style. If the answer is yes, your partner/date
has either a secure or anxious style (see chapter 3 to learn more about