- Acknowledge and accept your true relationship needs.
Do we recommend that you do all the pursuing, fulfill your partner’s
every wish, and call incessantly? Definitely not. We suggest a
completely different approach. It stems from the understanding that you
—given your anxious attachment style—have certain clear needs in a
relationship. If those needs are not met, you cannot be truly happy. The
key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully
acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a
relationship—and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren’t good
or bad, they are simply your needs. Don’t let people make you feel
guilty for acting “needy” or “dependent.” Don’t be ashamed of feeling
incomplete when you’re not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close
to your partner and to depend on him.
Next, use this knowledge. Start assessing people you date on the
basis of their ability to meet those needs. Instead of thinking how you
can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many
relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need
in order to be happy?
- Recognize and rule out avoidant prospects early on.
The second step is to recognize and rule out people with an
avoidant attachment style early on. This is where our questionnaire for
deciphering the style of others comes in handy. But there are also
other ways to tell whether you’ve met someone avoidant. Arthur Conan
Doyle coined the term “smoking gun” in one of his Sherlock Holmes
detective novels. A smoking gun has since become a reference for an
object or a fact that serves as conclusive evidence of not just a crime
but any type of undeniable proof. We like to call any signal or message
that is highly indicative of avoidance a smoking gun: