Filters: Sex and Other Misconceptions 179
version of, “No, they do not like you because you are weird.” These
are people who have taken a bit of ribbing as kids and never
outgrown it. Their humiliation is, at the point, self-inflicted.
A person who is humiliated continuously either allows the humili-
ation to become defining, as in the case of the persecuted redhead,
or learns to adapt and is no longer humiliated when ridiculed. Take
big-nosed Steve Martin in Roxanne.He learned to expect certain
behaviors based on past experience. At the first indicator of what
was coming, he identified a course of action he would take. He
found ways to drain the venom from remarks that ridiculed his nose;
the person poking fun would often become the brunt of the joke.
From the informal group all the way to highly formalized reli-
gious and national organizations, every culture engages in humilia-
tion. Whether openly or subtly, groups rely on compliance to norms
to help identify those who are undesirable. This creates a more
homogenous society. We need ways to differentiate our monkeys
from the other monkeys.
For the informal approach, watch kids in a school yard practice
humiliation. The crueler kids—the bullies—perfect it as an art form
until someone trumps them. This humiliation is part of the culture of
the second grade (although a frightening number of middle-aged
people act as though they’re 8 years old). If you do not have the
latest shoes, the right haircut, or proper social skills, you are
chastised—childhood sumptuary law. There are a few reasons for
this:first to create a more cohesive culture; second to establish a
pecking order; and third, to learn and polish skills that will be used