ing at an optical illusion for a long time, straining your eyes to decode the trick, and suddenly
your cognizance shifts and there—now you can clearly see it!—the two vases are actually two
faces. And once you’ve seen through the optical illusion, you can never not see it again.
“So this is God,” I thought. “Congratulations to meet you.”
The place in which I was standing can’t be described like an earthly location. It was
neither dark nor light, neither big nor small. Nor was it a place, nor was I technically standing
there, nor was I exactly “I” anymore. I still had my thoughts, but they were so modest, quiet
and observatory. Not only did I feel unhesitating compassion and unity with everything and
everybody, it was vaguely and amusingly strange for me to wonder how anybody could ever
feel anything but that. I also felt mildly charmed by all my old ideas about who I am and what
I’m like. I’m a woman, I come from America, I’m talkative, I’m a writer—all this felt so cute and
obsolete. Imagine cramming yourself into such a puny box of identity when you could experi-
ence your infinitude instead.
I wondered, “Why have I been chasing happiness my whole life when bliss was here the
entire time?”
I don’t know how long I hovered in this magnificent ether of union before I had a sudden
urgent thought: “I want to hold on to this experience forever!” And that’s when I started to
tumble out of it. Just those two little words—I want!—and I began to slide back to earth. Then
my mind started to really protest—No! I don’t want to leave here!—and I slid further still.
I want!
I don’t want!
I want!
I don’t want!
With each repetition of those desperate thoughts, I could feel myself falling through layer
after layer of illusion, like an action-comedy hero crashing through a dozen canvas awnings
during his fall from a building. This return of useless longing was bringing me back again into
my own small borders, my own mortal confines, my limited comic-strip world. I watched my
ego return the way you watch a Polaroid photo develop, instant-by-instant getting clear-