90 Jackie 1930–1962
a steady downpour, this morning, at dawn, I saw the livid
corpses of my comrades, stiff and bloodied; I saw the wounded.
But together with these harsh, painful images, I will always see
in my mind’s eye the seventeen-year-old Arab boy, hanging
from a door by his wrists tied behind him, naked, suff ering
the most violent blows and the most sophisticated tortures all
through his body.^23Jackie was so shocked that he took a whole day to answer, unsure of
how to reply to his friend:
I’m trying to imagine, and I’m horror-stricken. I suppose that
the most obvious thing, in the case of a morning like the one
you’ve described, is that any attempt to justify or condemn
either group is not just obscene, just a way of quietening one’s
conscience, but also abstract, ‘empty’. And understanding
makes you feel a bit more isolated. God won’t be able to give
any meaning to that, whatever comes out of it all...
I’m wholeheartedly with you, Michel. I’d like to talk to you,
to tell you everything I’m thinking and feeling now when faced
by an Algeria that makes me feel ill, but I’d be ashamed to do
so from such a distance, especially to you as you tell me what
you can see happening there. [.. .]
I have to go, Michel. I’m thinking about you a lot. If the only
thing we can share in this world is despair, I’ll be ready to share
it with you, always. That’s the only certainty that stands up,
without lies or blindness.^24Jackie knew that he would soon have to start his military service,
on his return from Harvard, and he was apprehensive about the
‘two-year big black hole’ towards which he and Marguerite were
anxiously heading. There was a possibility that he might be sent
to the front. But Aimé Derrida had been busy for several months,
mentioning his son’s situation at every opportunity in an attempt to
fi nd him a civilian posting. He knew the people who ran the school
in Koléa, a little town near Algiers, where people regularly ordered
the wines and spirits from him. As they were looking for a teacher
for the children of the soldiers, Aimé plugged the fi ne qualities
of his son the normalien, assuring them that he was able to teach
any subject. Of course, this would still mean two years of relative
tedium, but in comparison with the usual military service it would
be a doddle.
Jackie and Marguerite had not left for America with the intention
of marrying. Indeed, if they were to avoid being separated, there
was no other solution. But the idea of a traditional family wedding
struck them as unbearable, especially given what had happened