TOM JACKSON
I am now in the happy position of being able
to share my personal stats for 2021. Or some
of them, anyway; the lavatory and the bedroom
remain out of bounds to the reading public,
for which the reading public is no doubt
grateful. May I offer a special welcome to
future historians? Well done for digging this
sociological gem out of the archives. If your
specialist field is middle-aged male micro-
obsessions in the early 21st century, you’re
in for a treat!
On January 1, 2021, I weighed 14st 11lb. On
January 1, 2022, I weighed 14st 6lb. That’s after
going to Sapan, my personal trainer, 127 times,
as against zero times the year before. Which
just goes to prove what I always say, that
weight loss is about food, not exercise. I can
do loads of exercise and not lose an ounce.
When I miss a meal in the evening, the next
morning I’ve lost a couple of pounds.
In other news, I cycled 73 miles in 2021,
which is what I used to cycle some weeks in
my cycling prime, before I lost my nerve and
started getting the bus to work. People ask me
if I still cycle and I say, yeah, but not as much
as I used to, which is technically true, but also
a bit misleading, given that “not as much as
I used to” is a risible 350 yards a day.
Anyway, never mind that, because the big
news is last year I walked an average of... wait
for it... 5.12 miles a day! That’s 11,386 steps.
That’s a lot, day after day after day for
365 of the buggers. Anyone else in the
steps community will know it’s a big deal
to knock out 11,386 steps a day, every day.
Whenever I tell people, and believe me I tell
a lot of people, they’re impressed. Apart from
my wife, obviously, who hasn’t been impressed
by anything I’ve done since 1996.
She thinks five miles a day is “about normal”.
Not according to the Pacer app on my phone,
it’s not: “You’re more active than 98 per cent
of all users on average,” it tells me in the
“Insights” section.
“That’s because most people don’t carry
their phone with them into the loo,” Nicola
pointed out. “Or balance it on the loo when
they’re having a bath so they don’t miss
counting the step to get in.”
Fair enough. But still: 98 per cent! That’s
got to mean something, hasn’t it? My feet hurt
most evenings, so surely I’m doing something
right? Or maybe I just need some new trainers.
I must say I do wonder about the 2 per
cent of people using the Pacer app on their
Nokias who walk more than I do. Who canthey possibly be? I’m conflicted: on the one
hand, I hate them, obviously. On the other,
I’m intrigued by the notion that there’s a tiny
fraction of the stepping public even more
fanatical than I am. I’d like to meet whoever it
is, if I could trust myself not to assassinate them.
Actually, I don’t need new trainers – I do
a lot of my miles in my Crocs. Often, after an
average day at the office, I’ll only have done a
couple of miles by the time I get home around
7pm. But then, without even leaving the house,
I’ll rack up another three or four miles in what
are essentially plastic slippers. And pyjamas.
Round and round the garden I go, like a
prisoner in his exercise hour, but without the
crap food and throbbing anxiety in the showers.
It’s a small garden. I have to walk around
it twice to cover 100th of a mile. The perimeter
is all trees and ferns and planters, so you can
only do a little circle in the middle. The living
room, where I’ve established a thrilling figure
of eight route, like a Scalextric, slaloming
between the sofa, the chairs and the coffee
table, is more promising. As well as warmer.
Especially in pyjamas. If I throw caution to the
winds and include the kitchen, I can harvest
as many as 40 steps (almost 2 per cent of a
mile) in one circuit. That’s what it is, I suppose,
a very genteel form of circuit training,
swerving to avoid errant cats included.
Walking around the garden in Crocs in
the dark can be dangerous, if young Sam
hasn’t sluiced off the slime with patio cleaner
recently. I slipped over the other night and
cracked my shin on a rock. Did I think,
“Robert, this is absurd, sliding around the
garden in your pyjamas so you can watch your
step measurer tick round to 12,000”? Well,
yeah, I did think that, in point of fact. But
did I despair? Did I give up and go inside to
watch the telly?
Well, yeah, I did precisely that, actually.
What do you take me for, some kind of weirdo?
That moment of weakness notwithstanding,
records are tumbling. In 2018, I averaged
2.5 miles a day. In 2019 it was 3.5. In 2020 it
was 4.3. Last year, 5.1. This year, I’m aiming
for six miles a day if serious podiatric injury
does not intervene.
My progress these past four years is off the
charts. Literally! I’ve had to adjust the scale on
my graphs to register the increase.
Yes indeed, it’s a thrill a minute round at
mine this January, no word of a lie. n[email protected]‘On January 1 , 2021 ,
I weighed 14 st 11 lb.
On January 1 , 2022 ,
I weighed 14 st 6 lb.
That’s after 127
visits to my trainer’
Beta male
Robert Crampton
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