Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’working on for many years. To my delight,
the book has been accepted for publication!
I am very grateful to this Facebook friend
and was thinking of treating them to a nice
lunch. My spouse says: ‘‘Absolutely not! You
are not real friends with this person. It is
creepy to reach out to them, they are going
to think you are some kind of pervert!’’
Regardless of whether my partner is correct
about me being creepy, is it inappropriate
to off er lunch to this ‘‘friend’’ I have never
met? We have commented upon each
other’s Facebook posts over the years and I
think fi nd each other interesting. (I would
not be averse to actually being friends.)
Do you think the answer to this question
diff ers depending upon our respective
genders and/or sexual identities?
Name Withheld
I fi nd your spouse’s interpretation a sur-
prising one. Your spouse evidently thinks
that this lunch is bound to be read as a
romantic overture (making gender and
sexual identities relevant). Given the
interactions you describe, though, a col-
legial lunch would seem a very natural
proposal. There are many kinds of aff ec-
tion; eros and philia can follow diff erent
tracks. Being a loving and faithful spouse
doesn’t require that you close yourself off
from new friendships.
I have worked for my company for 21
years. It has always treated me fairly.
I have enjoyed my tenure here, and I intend
to give notice of my retirement on March 1.
I have heard that there will be a
shuffl ing of responsibilities early this year.
Th ese responsibilities require interaction with
our external customers. Th is could mean I am
given new external customers with whom
I need to develop trust and a solid working
relationship. Question: Knowing that I will
be leaving just a few months after I get
responsibility for new customers, do I have
an obligation to give notice earlier so that
my employers don’t have to reassign my new
customers after such a short period of time?
Name Withheld
You don’t want to inconvenience a com-
pany you’ve enjoyed working for. That
speaks well of you. But I don’t see why
you need to inconvenience yourself as a
result. Why can’t you just tell your bosses
what you’re planning to do, so that they
Asking people
to do something
they’re not
obliged to do
needn’t be
antagonizing.can take it into account as they reshuff le
tasks and customer relationships? Your
bosses have treated you fairly; you’ll
depart having treated them fairly.I am a graduate student at a large public
university, and one of few students lucky
enough to be funded by my department.
Recently I learned that other graduate
students (funded and unfunded) in the
department have signed up for a Covid
relief stipend. I am not in dire fi nancial
straits, and I don’t support anyone in my
family fi nancially, but grad school stipends
aren’t high, and the cost of living near
my university is high, especially since many
housing-management companies seem to
assume that students are fully supported
by their parents, and therefore rent is a
ridiculously high portion of my income.
I wouldn’t say that I experienced
anything life-altering when Covid hit, but
like many other students, I found being
online more stressful, sad and isolating,and as a result felt a signifi cant drop in
my mental health with the onset of
the pandemic. If this money is already
awarded to my school, is it wrong
to sign up for the Covid relief stipend?Name WithheldPhilosophers often use the term ‘‘insti-
tutional desert’’ to refer to what someone
deserves according to the rules of some
organization or governing entity, and that’s
what pertains here. If the rules are reason-
able, there’s no reason not to follow them.
You don’t say how the relief program is
structured or what its eligibility criteria are.
But why not apply? If you answer all the
questions truthfully and you are adjudged
eligible, you’re entitled to the benefi t.