3.2.3.2 One Individual – Many Faces
Virginia Satir is one of the most influential figures in the family therapy-oriented
approach to psychotherapy. Her work centers on the notions of “self,” “growth” and
“communication,” and the starting point is the person’s own personality and how
intra-mental processes and communication are connected. This link is of great
importance for the work of managers.
We as a whole consist of many parts that reinforce and support, but can also
hamper and weaken one another, depending on the situation and our health. Most
people are afraid to “lift the lid” and look into their own interior, or they do not even
know that there is this “lid,” which the unknown parts of their personality are
hidden under (see Satir 1988, p. 14 ff.).
What are these internal parts? These can for example be driving factors such as
“You’ve got to be perfect,” “You have to be fast,” “You have to be strong,” “You
have to work hard” or “You have to fulfill the wishes of others.” These may also be
positive forms of permission, like “You are allowed to be happy” or “You are
allowed to enjoy receiving support.” Our inner parts also include factors that slow
us down, like “This can wait until tomorrow,” “If you’re in a rush, go slow,” “Don’t
be a baby,” “Don’t lose your temper” or “I can’t stand up for myself.”
Everyone should accept their different faces and facial expressions without
evaluating and judging them, or those of their fellow human beings. Each individual
should seek wholeness, and not just fulfill some strange expectations or seek to
fill niches assigned by others. “Our outer faces fit to our inner faces and are
mainly influenced by them” (Satir 1988, p. 78). Once you know how the various
parts interact with each other, you get an idea of how you treat yourself and others.
This especially applies to leaders.
Our actions, thoughts and emotions are always a stimulus response to the inner
or outer world, but mostly we don’t recognize this relationship: “Strictly speaking,
we live in an emotional prison without knowing it” (Satir 1988, p. 40). The walls of
this prison only get stronger if we never question our beliefs. Breaking free means
change, and change creates fear. Changes always consist of three phases: fear and
anxiety, confusion about the new, and the integration of the new into the old.
If, instead of following our old beliefs and experiences, which limit our options
before we even start, we were to consider all of the opportunities present in
a situation, we would make our choices more consciously and not just react to
internal constraints like a puppet.
Each step out of the prison is a step farther into uncharted territory for which
there is no guide, claims Satir. Each person must use their experiences and insights
to create their own map to lead them through life. Over time this map becomes more
and more accurate, and the more of our own parts we know, the more empty
spots are filled in: “If we are truly the master of our own house, we have the
power to overcome external difficulties, and we can design our own map for
our own lives. Viewing our life as an ongoing process is an encouraging thought”
(Satir 1988, p. 66).
132 3 Systemic Leadership or: Designing a World That Others Want to Be Part Of