lived happily ever after.’ Now I might say the same, but with an occasional remark
like: ‘It’s seldom that partners die at the same time, one of the two will have to miss
the other.’ Paradoxically this works as a relief, although one affirms the anxiety of the
client. The illusion, the fairy-tale, doesn’t have to be held true against better judgment.
If therapists go along with the illusion of a never-ending relationship, they give the
message that the impermanence is unbearable and that you can only engage in a
relationship if there is at least a chance that it will last. My statement shows that it is
possible to live with the knowledge that this chance is zero, and that the point is rather
to use the time given together, that this can be quite liberating.
What I said here is just a basic attitude, which will not resolve neurotic trouble.
Adequate therapeutic techniques remain necessary to achieve that.
Variability, emotionsNot only our lives and relationships but also our emotions are variable. An emotion
arises, comes to a high, decreases, and disappears. People tend to be afraid of dealing
with their stored-up sadness. They’re afraid that they’ll never stop crying, afraid that
the pain never ends. And although it is true that there is sadness that will never heal
completely and that some memories remain painful, one can also witness change in
one’s pain. A crying fit never takes a very long time. Even on the darkest days there
may be lighter moments, moments when the sadness is forgotten for a short time.
Where is your sadness if you don’t think of it? If you don’t feel it? Are you a sad
person or are you someone who is sometimes sad and sometimes joyful or happy or
angry or fearful or glad?
The pastMy Zen training taught me not to hold on to the past unnecessarily. Psychoanalysts
are very good at producing hypotheses about the origin of symptoms. Sometimes,
this may serve to protect us from experiencing existential abysses. After having become
familiar with descents into the abysses—there is no bottom, so you can’t get hurt,
just jump—I reduced the activity of seeking the origin of symptoms; psychotherapy
practice was made more efficient by that. In so far as exploration of the origin is
necessary to comprehend the trouble in the present, that makes sense. And yet to talk
about the past in order to avoid dealing with the insecurities in the here and now, is
a defense that it seems better to abandon.
Transference and countertransferenceWhen we do not direct our attention to the past too emphatically, the foundation in
the here and now of the real relationship we have with the other becomes firmer and
livelier.
252 COMING HOME: THE DIFFERENCE IT MAKES