The Times Magazine 5h, my friends, it’s that
time of the year. Vogue
has released its “10 Trends
for spring/summer 2022”- something I presume it
presumes will cause us to
all run to our wardrobes
and simply set fire to
anything missing from
the list, but which in reality will be something
we read “for a laugh” while wearing the same
pair of jeans and “nice” top we were wearing
in, come to think of it, 2017. God, this fabric
has washed well. Big yourself up, poly-cotton
mix from Zara!
What’s “on the menu”? Inevitably, it’s all
the things we’ve had before at some point or
another. Miniskirts; stripes; all-white outfits;
see-through blouses/dresses; bootcut jeans...
I mean, I started to zone out around “stripes”,
astonished by the sheer chutzpah of claiming
they’ve “returned”. When are we not wearing
stripy things? Fifty per cent of what middle-
aged women wear is “a stripy top”. You might
as well say, “Having a pancreas is BACK
BACK BACK!” It’s a simple medical fact
that we are all born with a) a pancreas, and
b) a couple of stripy tops. That’s just nature.
And as for the rest – when does anyone
wear an all-white outfit, unless they’re a dentist
or a ghost? And see-through blouses? Hahaha,
don’t be silly. Tits live “under cardigans,” not
“in some mad string bag from Gucci”.
My problem with fashion is that a couple of
years ago I had the kind of perceptual epiphany
that is usually the province of a shaman going
on a vision quest in the guise of eg a leopard,
but which I had while eating a banana and
walking through our local playground.
I was, as always, jealously noting the
amazing outfits being worn by girls under the
age of seven – outfits which they had clearly
chosen themselves. There’s a certain aesthetic
girls of that age have: they won’t tolerate
anything “itchy” or “too tight”, that “gets in
the way” or is “boring” or “sad”. They’re all in
dresses, worn over leggings, accompanied by
wellington boots – all comfy, brightly coloured
things, easy to put on. It’s a kind of timeless,
eternal Pippi Longstocking x Peppa Pig
mash-up, and exactly what I wore at their age
40 years previously. There are other iterations
of course: flowery tights under yellow shorts
with fairy wings; sunhats; HUGE sunglasses;
ra-ra-skirts; Crocs. But the effect is always the
A
CAITLIN MORAN
Why Vogue’s fashion tips are all wrong
My style icons are little girls and old ladies
ROBERT WILSON
same and with the same guiding principles:
comfy, colourful, slightly berserk, easy to go
to the toilet in. It is, as the young people say,
“a mood”. A great one.
As I said, I was pretty envious. That
night I was going to a “posh” party and really
wished I could go in some leggings covered in
dinosaurs. But this time, I actually noticed how
I comfort myself when temporarily jealous of
infant school style: “Don’t worry,” a quiet voice
in my head said. “Only another 20 years to go.”
When I interrogated this voice, it regarded
me with surprise for a couple of minutes and
then said, in a very matter-of-fact way, “Well,
you can go back to wearing whatever you want
once you’re over 65.”
And in a sunburst, kaleidoscopic moment
of revelation, I realised that young girls
and old women have exactly the same style
aesthetic: they just don’t give a f***. Obviously
some older women prefer to be “chic” or
“athletic” or “sexy”. But for me, the classic
older woman – the one I plan to be – is
walking around in a purple dress, leggings and
thermally insulated boots, topped with a large,
ratty leopard-skin hat that looks as if it might
have a robin’s nest in it. She may or may not
be pushing an elderly dog in a pram.
That well-established Grey Gardens/
eccentric old lady/Mad Cat Woman vibe is
generally regarded to be one of the lowest-
status looks a woman can assume. It tends to
provoke either pity, mild disgust or an instant
makeover on Ten Years Younger.
For me, however, it’s actually the highest
status look – it’s someone who is absolutely
done with trying to look “put together”,
fashionable or sexy. It’s someone done with
caring what anyone else thinks and who has
returned, in their old age, to the freedom they
had when they were four, five or six. Other
people’s voices – fashion editors, other girls, boys- haven’t got in their head yet. Or – 60 years
after they made a 7-year-old girl suddenly
want to get a crop-top from Brandy Melville
“because that’s what all the other girls are
wearing” – they have finally been exorcised.
You’ll note Vogue’s “fashion forecasts” never
include looks for little girls or older women,
because they know there’s no point. Those
females are dressing straight from the soul,
and from joy. You can’t bamboozle them into
dressing like a dentist. It’s just all of us in
between who aren’t as smart, or free, as little
girls and old women. n
When does anyone
wear an all-white
outfit, unless they’re
a dentist or a ghost?